Bucket List Progress Report #2

These last couple of weeks have been busy!! BUT - I've been able to fit in time for a few fun and meaningful things too!!

#3: To kick it off, in the last week, I have tried strawberries and two kinds of cherries, as well as cooked apples. Now, here's the deal, none of them were my favorite. The strawberries were a little too sour; the cherries were pretty good, but I'm not a fan of the pits; and something was off about the texture of the cooked apples. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE fresh, crisp apples. But I think it was maybe the cinnamon and then the shock of the apple flavor? I don't know... anyway, they were all ok, but so far I've been sticking with my apples, bananas, and grapes. I wish I could be more creative, but with my crazy food sensitivities, I am counted out from trying anything citrus, and I've tried peaches, pears, kiwi, blueberries, and a few others in the past. Maybe I'll get up the gumption to try some of them again and see how it goes. For veggies, well, let's just say, my mom and I established that my corn, green beans, peas, carrots, lima beans, lettuce, and fresh broccoli are enough for right now, especially since it was really just this last year that I started eating salads like a bunny rabbit!

#5: So I haven't actually started learning the song, but I did go online and get myself the sheet music for about a dozen pretty gorgeous pieces of piano music!! I have them all together in a book and have started marking the music on a couple that I'd like to start with. Perhaps after my mom's catering event this week, I can begin on them on Saturday or Monday!!

#7: You know, sometimes it can be hard to pray for your friends everyday when you don't get to talk to them very often; but that is where you ask the Holy Spirit to guide you on what to pray for and then make an effort to get in touch with them. I've accepted that once I do my part, it's up to them to do the rest, so if they don't text me back or make time for us to meet up, then at least I have done what I feel I am supposed to do.

#9 & #27: As some of you may know, my family surprised my dad with a trip to the Black Hills, SD for Father's Day weekend. Not only was it a total success and super fun, it helped me knock off two things on my bucket list!! It really was a blast going out to Mount Rushmore again. It is so gorgeous and relaxing out there!! I just wish we could have stayed longer. On the second night there, we were hit with quite the thunderstorms and rain; but Ashley and I made the most of it and played in the rain. We had wanted to go see Mount Rushmore get all lit up, but that wasn't really an option. Although, it would have been pretty epic to say that we played in the rain at Mount Rushmore!! (Instead, we played in the rain in view of Mount Rushmore :) )

#18: Well, yesterday (Monday) I was assigned the task of taking one of our new clients to see an apartment he might be renting. I had never spoken to him or met him, and all I knew about him was his telephone number. When I finally showed up at his house (long story), we had about 2 hours together to chat and drive to get to the showing and back to his house. It was pretty great just talking with him about his life, growing up, his current family, and his love for reptiles. I think I learned more about snakes than I ever thought I wanted to!! Today when I called him to schedule another tour on Thursday, he even asked to see if it was me that would be taking him. I look forward to seeing what more comes up in the car then!!

#22: So the whole workout thing is so rewarding, but it is also super hard when my mornings tend to be booked up with all the things I can't do when I'm working in the evenings. Thankfully I've been able to make my house chores and stuff a little more intense of a workout (ever carry 40-60lb laundry baskets up and down stairs repeatedly??). It's not Zumba or swimming, but I am hoping to get back to those ASAP!!

#33: Today we had our first load of donations picked up by the Lupus Foundation of MN! It was fabulously easy and felt great to get some more stuff out of our house!! We are already gathering more stuff as we go so it is ready for their next pick up! The key is to put stuff in bags or boxes as you come across it. As I've been in my room, I might see something on a shelf or find a box of interesting things, and I'll take out a few that I don't need anymore and add them to a bag. By the end of the week, I'll have a full bag!! Plus, it is SO nice to declutter!!!

Bucket List Progress Report #1

Well, it has been a week since I posted my official summer bucket list, and I am proud to say I have completed a couple of the items on the list!!

First, I spent my sister Ashley's birthday out doing fun things with her all day. If you are friends with me on Facebook, you got to see our stops throughout the day, including going to see The Fault In Our Stars, having lunch at Noodle's, going home for some rest, and then stopping by the graduation reception at MCA for some cupcakes and catching up with old friends. We had originally planned to go to the Friday evening Joyful Noise concerts, but with the rain we decided to skip that. In all, it was a great day to celebrate Ashley turning 20, and a wonderful start to our sister dates for the summer. (Item #2.1 on list = complete!)

I have also been working on #22 - Establish a workout routine and actually DO IT. I have managed to reorganize my time to allow for a Zumba and weights workout 3 times/week, and on the days that I do not officially work out, I have other activities planned to keep myself moving. I've included things like cooking/catering (which I did for j6 hours on Saturday and 14 hours on Sunday), cleaning (you should see my room and other areas of the house), etc. On top of this, I have been doing really well at following the eating plan my dietician and I came up with to help solve some of the digestive issues I was having! So far, it's a great start. We aren't going to call this one complete until it becomes a habit, though :)

#29 - Send a card or letter to a different friend each week - complete for last week, and working on this week's :) Ya'll better be watching your mailboxes! (If I don't have your address and you would like a card, send me a PM or email and you're added to the list!!)

Lastly, #33 - Clean out my room and donate anything I haven't used this year. I managed to clean out my closet last week in little spurts between workouts and before work. I have one load ready to go to Goodwill ASAP and more in the works!

Unstoppable Summer: Must-Do Adventures Before I Move Away

Alright guys, here is my list for the best summer of my life so far!! My goal is to make the most of this summer in as many ways as possible. I'm gonna need your help on some of these, so if you want to join in, let's do it!! Keep me accountable, people!

Disclaimer: I have not included the things that are already "givens" for the summer, such as spending extra time with my parents/family, going to the barn every week, and working. So, Mom, in case you were worried that I forgot about you (which I NEVER could!), you and I are already booked!!!

 

1. Go on a one-on-one adventure with a different friend each month (June, July, August).

2. Go on dates with my sister at least once each month.

3. Try a new fruit and a new vegetable that will broaden my healthy-eating horizons.

4. Last an entire day without eating anything processed, packaged, or not in its whole form.

5. Learn a new song on the piano.

6. Lay in the sun and read for a whole day (with sunscreen of course!).

7. Choose one person in my life to pray for everyday, and make a point of talking with them about their life once a week.

8. Go to the quarries and jump of the cliffs into the swimming hole.

9. Take a road trip to some other state (other than Indiana, since I'm moving there!).

10. Read at least 5 books on the all-time classics list.

11. Volunteer somewhere at least once each month.

12. Celebrate Christmas in July, even send cards to my close friends!

13. Host a summer barbecue/picnic at my parents' house - campfire and all!!

14. Go wilderness camping (ok, or just camping in general).

15. Make a new friend and keep in touch with them after I move.

16. Visit children in the hospital.

17. Pay for the person behind me in line.

18. Talk to a stranger about their life for no other reason than to make them feel important.

19. Learn a few phrases in ASL.

20. Go to the beach.

21. Invite someone new to church.

22. Establish a work-out routine and actually DO IT.

23. Go visit a friend who lives too far away to see regularly.

24. Write something very well-thought-out and inspirational, even if I never actually share it (but I probably will, knowing me).

25. Write a research paper just for the fun of it.

26. Go see multiple movies in a row at the theater (at matinee prices, of course!). Even better - go to a drive-in movie!!

27. Play in the rain.

28. Color every picture in a coloring book and send each picture to a different friend.

29. Send a card or letter to a different friend each week as encouragement or just to say hi.

30. Learn something new about my best friend.

31. Pray for a celebrity that is making a difference in the world.

32. Bring lunch to homeless people.

33. Clean out my room and donate anything I haven't used this year.

That Sinking Feeling

If you grew up in church, even if you didn't, you are likely familiar with the story of Jesus walking on the water and the example of Peter that comes immediately after it in Matthew 14.

²⁸ And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” ²⁹ He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind,^[d] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” ³¹ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” ³² And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. ³³ And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

We've heard the message many times before - Peter sinks because he doubted that Jesus would carry him over the water; but I think sometimes it's easy for us to just quote it as a good story with a lesson rather than dig deeper into it's meaning for our lives. Have you ever thought about what it was that caused Peter to sink? Peter saw the wind. Peter saw that there were waves, that the water was deep and unsteady, and that he could be swallowed up by it at any moment. Immediately as Peter allowed his thoughts to go to those waves and their potential power over him, he lost the faith it took for him to step out of the boat.

Many of us as Christians have stepped out of the boat on many occasions: following the desires that God has placed in our hearts or even just the big step of accepting Christ as our Savior; but how long do your eyes stay on Jesus as you walk toward Him? See, Peter's journey to where Jesus was standing was likely only a few steps of faith across the sea, but it becomes an excellent metaphor for our journey in following Christ as our Lord and Savior. Each step is a chance for us to decide where our eyes are going to find their focus - is it going to be on Jesus or is it going to be on the ocean swirling beneath and around us?

I want to challenge you to think about what your ocean is. Is it financial trouble? Family problems? Health issues? What is it that continuously pulls your focus off from Jesus and causes you to sink in swirling waters? Take a minute and figure out what has had your attention more that Jesus has lately, and then continue reading.

The next step in your walk of faith across the water toward your Savior is to ask Him to open your eyes to His truth, love, and faithfulness; to establish in your heart a trust in Him that He is never going to let you sink. He will be your lifeguard, a stronghold for you to balance on as you walk across the waves. When you find your thoughts wandering to your ocean, immediately call on Jesus for peace and faith. Take a step toward Him and allow Him to keep you from sinking. I encourage you to find verses in the Bible that you can memorize such as Isaiah 26:3, "He keeps in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed on Him, because he trusts in Him." Make your time in the Word and in prayer a priority. As you do these things, watch yourself rise above your doubts and fear and walk toward Jesus on the water.

It's Not a Competition

This weekend I was challenged with the fact of competition. The constant internal dialogue that goes through my mind comparing my life with the lives of others. The reality of how often I do the full once-over of all the other women in the room and think to myself "I bet she's never been through what I have" or "Thank God I'm smaller than her." Yeah, those sickening words run through more heads than just mine if anyone else is ever being honest. I thought about how often I think, "If only they could understand the stuff that has happened to make me the way I am" or "She's got it so easy compared to me" and realized that over the years, my past has been a sort of badge of honor for me. Like the more bad stuff that I can pinpoint that has happened to me, the better person I am now for it.

For example, when I share my testimony of God's faithfulness in my life, a lot of times my experiences with depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. come up. This weekend, when I was asked by a new friend what my story is, I was super convicted about how much of my past I share with some people. See, there's a huge difference between using simple details of your past to show how God brought you into new light in Him, and giving details that make people feel sorry for you, worry about you, or give you attention. That second one is, without a doubt, a form of pride, and not a healthy kind of pride. When I share my testimony, is it about what God did or about all the junk I suffered because of my disobedience?

It is likely that all of my readers have heard "Let It Go" from the Disney movie "Frozen." One of the lyrics in the song is "the past is in the past" and I don't think we quite understand how important that is in our Christian lives. Paul tells us in Philippians 3:13 to forget what is behind and press on toward what is ahead, toward the high calling of God. So then, our testimony is not so much about the past that God pulled us from, but rather more about how we are pressing into His calling on our life NOW. Rather than saying "I dealt with this for such and such years and was so depressed I wanted to die" and drawing people's attention to our suffering, we should be turning people's heads toward the hope and faithfulness of God's promises.

This doesn't mean to discount our sufferings or make ourselves unrelatable to those who need to hear of Christ's redeeming power in our lives. Paul also said we should glory in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character and hope. But immediately before that, Paul tells us to rejoice (boast) in the glory of GOD and the grace that provides us with faith and a relationship with Him. In our sharing of what Christ has done in our lives, the ultimate redeeming story is the part where we show others how His grace can set THEM free.

My challenge to you is to leave the past in the past. Yes, it is always good to learn from our mistakes and see the ways that God has changed our lives. But it is more damaging to us and others when we bring up all the stuff we've been through merely for the competition factor of who's dirty past is the worst. When we do that, we are bringing glory to the suffering and building our pride rather than turning heads to the One who has taken our suffering and turned it into joy!

An oldie, but oh so good!!

Finding God in The Hunger Games

WARNING: This post contains LOTS of spoilers if you have not read all the books!!!

As I read the Hunger Games Trilogy, I found myself longing to be in the moments with the characters, experiencing every little bit of torture, sadness, victory, and love. Then I realized, I AM inside the Hunger Games. Not in the literal sense, but immediately I began picking up on the spiritual implications of what was happening in the books and movies.  While no story is going to be a perfect allegory for Christ or the Christian life, I believe there are a lot of parallels that allow readers to take a deeper look at their own spiritual condition and the life we are meant to live in Christ.

Katniss Everdeen is chosen before her life truly begins to become one of the greatest near-martyrs for a cause that will free an entire people from tyranny. Katniss is an unlikely hero, coming from one of the poorest districts and only having her experience with hunting as a skill to fall back upon (James 2:5). She requires training and must learn to trust her trainers and guides to be successful in the task she has been chosen for. This is much like the way we are chosen by God, before the beginning of time, to bring His people into freedom and life beyond the chains of the Enemy. We do not come prepared and equipped for the task set before us, but we are asked to trust God and learn and lean on the wisdom provided to us by our Trainer and Guide. (Matthew 22:14, 1 Peter 2:9)

The Enemy. Several times in the books, Katniss is told to “remember who the true Enemy is”. We are intuitive enough to realize that the enemy is not the other tributes who are meant to fight against her to the death. Rather, the Enemy is President Snow and his legions, the ruler of the Capitol, a symbol of the Dark Days, where an entire nation was obliterated and taken under the powers of darkness. Snow is even noted as snake-like according to Katniss’ narrative, similar to the snake in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3). Snow is represented by a rose throughout the book, which would seem almost a contradiction as the Rose of Sharon has been used in the Bible as a symbol of Christ or at least of perfected love (Song of Solomon 2:1). However, just as the serpent in the Garden took on the guise of God, Snow is taking on the guise of Katniss’ redeemer or His perfect love.

Just as our Enemy, Satan, conjures up memories of our past to hinder us from rising to our full potential for the future, Snow uses Katniss’ weaknesses and losses to hold her back from realizing what she was truly meant to do. It is not until she sees beyond the pain and torture of her past that she realizes her true calling and what she needs to do: take down the true Enemy.

As chosen ones, we are provided with protection, a guide, a mentor, much like Haymitch is to Katniss. While there are flaws in Haymitch’s character that distract from my point, I mean to liken Haymitch to the Holy Spirit. He is ever present in Katniss’ life, even to the point of being in her ear and her mind when they can’t be in person. They understand each other and he guides her with what she is to say and do. There are times that Katniss deviates from what Haymitch guides her to do, and there are consequences to that such as lost lives or increased threat upon her own life. However, Haymitch uses these moments to bring her back to being able to trust him to protect her and to be on her side no matter what. In the end, Haymitch and other allies are able to testify for Katniss in her trial, which results in her being made free. He is even assigned to go live with her in District 12 for the rest of their days. (John 14:15-18)

The Games and the arena. In his efforts to maintain control over the districts, Snow continues a 75-year-old tradition of pitting civilian children against each other in a fight for the death in an arena controlled by him and his forces. Just as we are placed on this earth where the god of this world (Satan) has complete control, the tributes are placed in the arena where Snow and his gamemakers are designing the worst possible torture in an effort to destroy those who may impact the future (we see this theme especially in Catching Fire and Mockingjay due to Snow’s extreme dislike for the way the 74th Hunger Games ended). Rather than viewing the entire world as the arena in this analogy, however, I’d like to suggest that the arena represents our specific battlegrounds (whether it be our thought life, an area of addiction or recurring sin, etc.). Exactly as we see it occurring in our own lives, the tributes are fighting against each other when what they truly should be fighting against is the Enemy. While Satan has complete control over this world, we are granted a source of power in having Jesus at our side and the Holy Spirit as our guide to strategically defeat the Enemy. Despite all the attempts of the gamemakers to defeat Katniss and Peeta, they come out triumphant in the end because of their sponsors and their training before the Games. This is very similar to the training we are raised up in before battle by going to church, getting in the word, and learning how to use our weapons and defense.  Notice that the weapon Katniss has been training with and using her whole life is what becomes her strongest asset when the battle comes! When we neglect to train properly, including in our minds, we are just like all of the other tributes that are underprepared and end up destroyed and defeated. (Ephesians 6:10-20) (1John 5:4) We do not fight against flesh and blood but against principalities and rulers of the darkness (Ephesians 6:12).

            The Capitol. In the story, the Capitol is the most perverse and disgusting, gluttonous part of the nation of Panem. The people who live there feed on the misfortune and lack that exists in all of the other Districts. This is the place from where the Enemy rules, likened to the way in which Satan rules this world.

            The Districts. At first there are only 12 Districts mentioned as it is believed that the 13^th has been destroyed. However, we come to find out that the District 13 has been undercover and preparing for the battle of the century. District 13 has been serving as the training grounds for those refugees who are going to aid in the revolution and bringing freedom to Panem. A suggestion is that Districts 1-12 represent the 12 tribes of Israel, God’s chosen people (Deuteronomy 14:2), and District 13 is like the preparation area for all the saints and angels that are preparing for the apocalypse. While this could go into a TON more detail, it seems as though an entire blog would need to be designed just to explain the intricacies of the Book of Revelation. If you’re curious, I’d start there J

At first we see Katniss as a selfless volunteer to take her sister’s place in the Hunger Games. However, as we watch Katniss’ character develop, it becomes harder to see whether she is truly selfless. I believe that there is a part of her that is like all of us – out to protect our own lives, unable to face the reality of what a loss on the account of the Enemy could do to us. The loss of Katniss’ loved ones and the thought of having to try to live without them is a common theme to what keeps Katniss doing what she is doing. It takes an act of true, selfless love to show her what it really means to be fulfilled. This act comes from Peeta in many ways. Over time, Katniss begins to feel and act in the same love that Peeta has shown her from the beginning. He has pledged his life to keep her safe and does everything, including sacrificing his own life, to save her. In the end, the love penetrates Katniss’ heart and gives her the wisdom to do what she was made to do; and as a result, both Katniss and Peeta are brought together in a bond of love that goes beyond the romance that was such a strategy in the games.

Peeta is the Christ-figure in our little allegory. Snow has captured Peeta and is using him in a ploy to gain Katniss’ faithfulness. However, Katniss remains faithful to Peeta after much debate over whether he is worth the cost he could be to her life. Peeta relies on Haymitch to protect Katniss while he is captured in the hands of the Enemy and tortured on her account. Constantly, we are reminded that everything Peeta is getting is what the Enemy really meant for Katniss. Instead, Peeta is left to suffer, but Katniss suffers, too, at the realization of what her actions have caused the one person to endure that has shown her the truest form of love. Peeta breaks out of the hands of the Enemy over time and shows Katniss how to be strong and how to triumph. It is Peeta’s coming back to District 12 to be with Katniss that draws Katniss out of her painful past and allows her to experience love and a life of purpose with Peeta. (Revelation 17:14, Isaiah 53:5)

Katniss was prepared to meet her lover over and over again, each time made more beautiful and perfect than the last. When Peeta came back to District 12 to find her, Katniss had been repaired by the doctors and sent home to wait for him, although unknowing of his return. Peeta saw her as perfect in those moments and took her full in love to himself. This is just like the way we are covered in glory and transformed from glory to glory and prepared for our meeting with our bridegroom Jesus Christ at a time unbeknownst to us. (Isaiah 61:10, Revelation 21-22)

There are many other parallels that have been drawn between scripture and The Hunger Games trilogy, but these are the ones that stood out the most to me over my time reading them and studying some of the scripture that God led me to. It is rare to be able to find God in the mess of Hollywood movies, but I encourage you to ask God to show you His truth in the lies that are this world whenever you are exposed to them. I’d love to hear what others have to say about these things!!

Till You Are My One Desire

Some of you know that I recently took a break from Facebook to allow myself to really live in the present moment and enjoy the blessings God is giving me here and now. During that time I was spending quite a bit of time in the car with the radio on, and God really allowed me to see the truth in many of the songs I was hearing. I have linked my absolute favorites below. I continue to really take in my time alone in the car and the opportunity it gives me to worship My One True Love.

These songs have been my heart cry lately::

And this one's my "jam" haha (it might be the 50s/60sesque-ness of it)

The Shower

You know that feeling you have after a really good shower - one after you've been especially sweaty and gross? You're so clean, your skin is exfoliated and pure, your hair is silky smooth, and you just feel good. Not a lot of feelings in this world quite compare to the refreshing feel after a good shower. But there's also the possibility of a bad shower. I found this out in Italy where our hotels quite obviously installed showers as an afterthought. Hardly big enough to get inside and shut the door, you couldn't move once you were in there. The water had little pressure and it took a good ten minutes to get the soap out of your hair. When you finally were able to fully rinse off, It wasn't even really worth it because you still felt unclean getting out - definitely not the refreshing shower we all would want after walking around the sites of Ancient Rome for ten hours!

How often do we go to a shower that promises to make us clean and wash away all the dirt from the day, only to come away feeling burdened, unrefreshed, and frustrated? We go out with friends after work for an evening of fun and relaxation, only to feel exhausted the next morning. We spend hours on the internet trying to distract from the things that bear us down, only to be burdened by new things we find there. There are a number of other places that we go to purge and cleanse the thoughts and memories of our days and make us feel light and clean; and yet all of them leave us feeling still just a bit unclean and unfulfilled.

But there is a shower that promises that we will be completely clean, refreshed, and unburdened. It can heal beyond the depth of our skin and cleanse our heart and soul with a power unlike anything else. Just as a shower with good water pressure has a massaging feel on our skin yet is not hard enough to be painful, so Jesus Christ's blood has the power behind it to massage the impurities from our hearts and leave us feeling clean and new.

Just as we go unclothed into a shower, we go before the Lord with a bare heart. A good, refreshing shower does not leave one small area untouched that we aren't ready to have cleaned yet. Rather, it washes all impurities away, leaving us clean and new. God does the same in creating a clean heart in us. He simply asks that we do not keep any part of us from His healing rain. It's not always a pleasant experience to allow God to cleanse our hearts. Think of those times when you've had paint or mud stuck to your skin that took a little extra scrubbing. Sometimes our hearts take a little extra scrubbing too, and for a little while it may be a bit raw and tender; but God promises us to heal our broken hearts and cleanse us from all unrighteousness, so that raw tenderness with eventually become pure and whole.

God is urging us to come and stand in His shower while He washes away our impurities and burdens. He has provided us with a cleansing flood that will leave us refreshed and pure before Him so we can live our lives freely under His blessings. Will you step into His shower? I challenge you to come to Him completely open, baring all, so that He can bring about healing and cleansing to your soul. This is not simply something to do of your own bidding, or of my encouragement. Bring the matters of your heart to the Lord in prayer, because once you ask Him to cleanse you fully, you can't go back. It can be scary letting God see every part of you, but when you have faith and trust in His love for you, you will see that all He wants for you is good.

Psalm 51, a Psalm of David

Have mercy on me, O God,
    because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
    blot out the stain of my sins.
 Wash me clean from my guilt.
    Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion;
    it haunts me day and night.
 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
    I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
    and your judgment against me is just.^[a]
 For I was born a sinner—
    yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
 But you desire honesty from the womb,^[b]
    teaching me wisdom even there.

 Purify me from my sins,^[c] and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
 Oh, give me back my joy again;
    you have broken me—
    now let me rejoice.
 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
    Remove the stain of my guilt.
 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
    Renew a loyal spirit within me.
 Do not banish me from your presence,
    and don’t take your Holy Spirit^[d] from me.

 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.
Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
    and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
    then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
    that my mouth may praise you.

 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
    You do not want a burnt offering.
 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.