I am absolutely loving what I'm doing. A couple of months ago I probably would have said something more like, "What did I get myself into?" Or, "Alright, that's it, I'm moving home to be a kid forever!" (Ok, I still have both of these thoughts on occasion, but now I know deep down I'm really just kidding.)
When I first moved to Winona Lake, I went through that honeymoon period. Everything was so new and exciting. I was living in the apartment I had had dreams about since signing the lease. I was connecting with people in my program cohort. Things were so great. But then in the thick of learning all things counseling, I hit that regret and confusion phase that every grad student does. Am I really supposed to be here? Is counseling really what I want to do? Am I always going to be this bad at counseling? I seriously lost track of how many times I contemplated dropping the program, how many times I called my mom and said I couldn't do this. But I pushed through, and here I am, knowing what my passion is and so excited that I have the chance to live it!
This sort of passion and perseverance is exactly what the devil wants to stop in our lives. And he knows exactly what he needs to do to each of us individually to stop God's plan in our lives. For me, it is making me feel isolated. Even when I'm surrounded by people and even have a few express their care for me, if I'm not on my guard, I can have thoughts slipping in that tell me I'm all alone in the world, nobody cares, and people aren't here for me when I need them. But I know good and well that's not true at all.
In the recent weeks of finishing my first year of grad school, I have been faced with this isolation a lot. Friendships have grown apart, stress has been overwhelming, and life has been plain exhausting. But there has been one place of solace, One person who has stuck it out, and the only thing to bring peace when peace is the most senseless thing to be had. I find myself taking on humility on a new level, recognizing that my own strength will not lead me to over come; I am only sufficient when I am in Him, and His strength is made perfect when I am at my weakest. I have felt more love, more purpose, more intimacy with Christ in these last weeks than I have in almost all the time since moving here. I recognize areas where I still need to grow and that will stretch me thin until I’ve been made complete; but in this moment, there is only grace now, and grace is all I need.
