Closer Than You Think

We've all felt the distance between us and God before, and I'm sure at some point every one of us has mumbled the phrase "He feels so far away right now" or something to that extent. Have you ever thought about exactly what that means or how things came to be that way? Maybe you have and you never really did figure out what caused it.

First, you have to understand the message of God's grace - a promise of grace is made to us in the Word over and over again, and alongside grace comes a whole slew of other promises: peace, mercy, rest, redemption - it's all right here waiting for us. But most of us choose (whether we realize it or not) to ignore it and keep on living life the way everyone else does.

Second, when God says He'll never leave you or forsake you, He's not just saying nice things - this is a promise! He also makes it clear that there is absolutely nothing that can separate you from His love, which means that once you have found His love, you can never ever lose it. Between these two promises, there is no possible way to be distant from God unless you, yourself, are the problem. God doesn't distance Himself from us; we distance ourselves from Him.

Think about this: how many times have you had a little voice trying to get your attention, and you've known it was God, and you pushed it away for whatever reason? How about those times when you've had a thought from the enemy come in, and rather than answering to it with God's Word, you continue to feed it until it overwhelms your spirit? What if God was your very best earthly friend - if you continued to push them away, how long would it take for them to begin feeling distant from you? But you can't blame that on them - that is ALL YOU!

Most of us can bring up a specific time in our lives that we have felt that distance from God, perhaps like He left you stranded high and dry in the middle of the worst desert of your life. But if what we just determined about God never leaving us is true, then isn't it, instead, us leaving Him in the middle of the desert, saying we can do this on our own? How do we find our way back to letting Him lead us through the desert instead of wandering in the dust and sand by ourselves?

Take a look at Psalm 42. The writer of this Psalm is in exile, most likely removed from the land of Jordan (The Promised Land). There are four things that the Psalmist does to remind himself of God's nearness. Set aside some time to go through these steps yourself:

• Acknowledge the places you've been putting your hope rather than in God. In verses 5 and 11, the writer tells his soul to put its "hope in God" and acknowledges that his soul has been looking elsewhere for hope.
• Talk to God about it - tell Him your feelings, your failures, everything, and repent. In verses 1-4, the writer is expressing everything he is feeling, not holding back, knowing that all he is has already been made exposed to God. In verse 6 he says directly to God that he is feeling down and out.
• Take some time to list and remember all the ways God has worked in your life. Continuing in verse 6 through verse 8, the writer begins to list the different situations where God has come through for him, both in the closeness of their relationship (verse 4) and in the times where He allowed catastrophe (verse 7).
• Recommit your hope to Him and PRAISE Him! In verse 11, the writer gives again the command to his soul to put its hope in God. This command continues on in Psalm 43, a continuation of this prayer.

For further reading and study: Hebrews 3-4 (NIV) talks about the importance of staying near to God and the blessings of rest that come from our obedience in that. (See labels below for more references)

A Little Step of Faith

For any of you who have known me well, it may come as a shock to you that I actually attended a college party tonight (sans alcohol of course) and truly enjoyed the whole thing. For the rest of you wondering why that's such a big deal, I'm going to divulge you on a little unknown tidbit about me and how God has worked through that piece of me to bring me where I am today. Read on!

Most people get somewhat nervous at the thought of branching out and meeting new people - but few people feel the level of anxiety I usually get in that sort of a situation. It's called social anxiety, and it's considered a sort of disorder that comes along side a lot of other disorders. Well, all that anticipation and thinking about the situation never gives me a chance to settle down and clearly think through a coming event in a rational way. It, in fact, does the opposite, gets me more worked up. But tonight was different - for the first time that I can remember, I had the opportunity to go to a party with a lot of people (we're talking at least 30 people I had NEVER met before - usually 5 unknown people is pushing it for me) and I was looking forward to it! Trust me, I used to never look forward to large parties unless there was some way that I could be assured that I would always have one of my close friends right next to me the whole time.

Anyway, I took the chance of being the one to ask a friend if she was going, and even had the guts to ask if I could tag along (I really don't like being the awkward new girl in a group of established friends). It was totally ok! Our little car of people got to know each other on the ride and the rest just kind of happened. Turns out, I wasn't the only one who knew hardly anyone, and because I didn't know anyone, I didn't have to live up to the expectations of the people around me - I could just BE me. What a freeing feeling it is to just be yourself.

Let me add that this party was sponsored by one of the Christian groups on campus, but the atmosphere was different from really any Christian social event I had ever been to. Just by being near these people you can tell they are all genuinely living life for God and His purposes. There was nothing selfish, mean, rude, or inconsiderate about anyone. That's not an easy thing to find, my friends. God has taken what could have been a really rough transition into a new group of people and made it one of the most rewarding things I've ever taken a chance on. Not that He hasn't proven His faithfulness enough already, but He continues to do so every time I step out and trust Him a little with an area of my life that has always been a struggle.

This is just one of many of those problem areas, but I can tell you all, God is ready whenever you are to take that step and make your life reflect His glory, even in completely unexpected ways. This morning I was contemplating skipping this party because I thought my anxiety would get in the way and make things awkward. I even had a friend on backup for me to call or text if I needed her support through this. But I didn't even once think to call or text her or anyone else! It really is God working in me to get me through an event like this with just the people I'm surrounded by. I'm so thankful for what He's doing, and I can't begin to say how much I would have missed out on by not going to the party tonight.

Life throws us a lot of little obstacles, but I'm learning everyday to look at them as if they were opportunities for a better tomorrow, not roadblocks for today.

Contentment and Self-Punishment: I am my biggest enemy

How hard are you on yourself? Ever thought about it before? Are the things you count as failures really failures, or are they just something you've done (or failed to do) that you've blown out of proportion?

I tend to be VERY hard on myself - so much so that I have friends tell me I need to cut myself some slack. Sometimes I agree with them, but most of the time I just push myself harder, as if to prove to them I can take as much as I care to dole out to myself. But what happens when the pressure you put on yourself starts to turn into something more like self-punishment? At what point do we need to say enough is enough, give yourself a little grace, and take things in stride?

At church this morning the pastor talked about being content in who you are and not comparing yourself to other people; but for the majority of the message I was thinking not of the other people I compare myself to, but the standards to which I compare myself. I have (finally) started to establish a sense of self-worth when it comes to being me and not being jealous of someone else's life, experiences, etc. but I have been noticing, especially in the last few days, that instead, I look at all my failures and shortcomings based on my own standards and start beating myself up for it.

Here's an example: This week I started a riding class that I was SO looking forward to after a whole summer of training in dressage and basic jumping. I even had people who had taken the class before tell me how much they loved it and that I would love it, too. Not so once the class actually started. I had a terrible first ride and was told very clearly by the instructor that nothing the horse did during our ride was because of the horse's misbehavior. He had actually done everything I had told him too, whether I realized I was telling him to do it or not. Well, I left feeling pretty darn defeated because I've been riding for years and I do work really hard in my lessons and practice rides. Here's the thing: my instructor was not being mean - he was merely telling me to relax. I was the one telling myself that I had failed, and it was partially because of how the ride had looked to the other girls in the class. Not to mention that I was essentially told the same thing by my trainer when I went for my lesson on Dream yesterday. Rather than thinking back through everything that had happened and figuring out how it could have been done differently, I beat myself up for it. I told myself I had wasted all this time and money on a sport that I'll never learn, that no matter how many hours I spend in the saddle I'll never improve, and I even told my mom I was ready to give up riding for good (not that she bought that for a second, but she's supportive no matter what I choose to do).

It took a night of sleeping on it, getting away from the barn, and taking a broader look at the whole situation. Turns out that my riding wasn't the only thing I had been beating myself up for - and none of it was fair at all. I came to the conclusion that a lot of the "problems" I've been facing lately have been a simple matter of not giving myself enough grace - room to make mistakes. Instead I was literally punishing myself for things in an effort to regain control and keep myself in check because no one else is here to do it; but what I was doing was in no way fair, healthy, or justified.

What it comes down to is this: I am my own biggest enemy, but I am also my own biggest motivator. The difference is that the motivation has to be bigger than the punishment and appropriate to the situation. If I can't love myself, give myself a little grace, and let things go, how will I ever be able to do the same for another person that God places in my care?

So back to the questions I asked before. Do you judge yourself a little too harshly? Or do you allow yourself room to make mistakes? I'm not saying to throw all things to the wind and give up caring, but there is a difference between caring about your success and failures and caring about YOURSELF. And one more thing - instead of working for myself (or others), I should be working for God and His kingdom (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).

The Restart Button

In the first two days of the semester, I have experienced God in ways that I had almost forgotten were possible; made new friends and rekindled relationships that had started to drift apart last year; and have gained a new perspective on what exactly it means to be me and do what I was made to do. I was actually somewhat surprised that so much good could come from such a short amount of time, but it wasn't without the bad. I guess that's just one more thing to put on the checklist of things well-learned in the past year. I've started to recognize the true value that exists in doing and being exactly what God has designed me to do and be; and it's a rather incredible experience that I am just having the opportunity to embark on.

I figured out over the summer that I have only 2 more semesters after this one before I graduate from the college that I have come to love so much; but it didn't really hit me until this afternoon when I was finishing my first section of the riding class I will be taking this semester what a privilege it is that I get to be in a place that is designed to be a safe place for self-discovery, personal development, and new experiences. I mean, seriously, how many students say that they can go ride a horse for 5 hours a week for school credit?! But that wasn't the big deal. The big deal came as I was walking across campus and was stopped by several people and told how much they missed me over the summer, or what they're looking forward to us doing this year, or encouraging me that I am handling things in a very responsible and mature manner for the situations I am facing. I realized that in this place I have not only had the chance to find myself and understand my calling, but I've been able to surround myself with people who will challenge and encourage me in my faith, my schoolwork, and in all other aspects of my life, and that those relationships were made to last.

With graduation so close (and yet so far) it almost puts me in a place of wishing I had recognized the right way to go about things sooner, had a chance to know these people longer, and taken charge of challenges instead of letting them get me down; but a conversation I had with someone who is becoming an incredible friend and encouragement to me brought everything into perspective: there's no way to learn the right way without making a few mistakes along the way. Those very mistakes are what build our character and give us the strength and stamina to face the next, larger obstacle that's waiting around the corner. So rather than trying to avoid conflict or challenges, or allowing them to defeat me and distract me from the progress I've made, I've chosen to hit restart, take everything I've learned, and apply it to every challenge that presents itself, knowing that God can use every challenge to produce patience, character, and a true testimony to his faithfulness. The best part is, I am more full of joy in this moment than I've truly been in a long time, and the only One who can take credit for that is my Savior Jesus Christ.