We all have something we need to give up to the Lord, and most of us know exactly what it is we're holding back from Him. We say we'll give it to Him, but then we take back a little piece of it to keep for ourselves. We make excuses for why we need to hold on to that piece - we need to learn our lesson, it's too hard to say no to, or it's a good reminder of where we came from - but those excuses are exactly what hold us back from experiencing the fullness of life through Christ Jesus.
Up to this point in my treatment for depression, I would say things like, "Lord, I am going to give this to you. I need your help," but a part of me didn't want to let it go. When you've walked around with something like depression for as long as I have, the thought of being without it can leave you confused and uncomfortable. "Without it there, what do I have left? I can't remember the last time I felt anything but depressed." In a very unhealthy way, I wanted it to hang around so I could feel sorry for myself - at times I actually liked the feelings the depression gave me.
This is exactly what God is getting at when He asks us to give Him our burdens. He wants the whole thing, not just the stuff we feel comfortable giving up. This was made very real to me this weekend while attending InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Fall Conference. The first night we were there, a skit was done showing a girl who let Jesus take her bag full of trash after He told her that is what He does, but she wanted to keep one little piece of it. The fact that she couldn't give it to Him broke Jesus' heart because His love for us compels Him to take away any suffering we carry with us.
That skit confirmed what God had been urging me to do for a few weeks, and I knew then and there that this would be the weekend I finally let go of the last little bits of trash I was carrying around and experience the freedom that comes through Christ alone. All day on Saturday I wrestled with the idea of giving up my last bit of control because, you see, I love to be in control; but my need for control was really starting to ruin my relationship with God in ways I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge.
On Saturday night during our plenary session, a call for prayer was made for anyone needing to let something go into God's hands or make a commitment to Him. I watched for a full hour as hundreds of other students went to the front to recieve prayer as we worshipped, and I tried to convince myself that I could just tell God by myself that I was going to let Him have everything - I was ready to let it go, I knew that for sure (and that was freeing in itself) but I didn't want to have to go to the front and tell a prayer leader that I wanted to give it up. Well, we all know how God gets His way in the end - He kept telling me He was proud of my decision but also kept reminding me of verses in the Bible where it talks about making confessions before a community of believers that can build you up and hold you accountable when the hard times come. Finally, right before the service ended, I made my way to the front and told the prayer leader that God had been asking me to give Him my struggles with depression and unhealthy coping behaviors, and I had finally decided to say yes.
I returned to my seat feeling so light and different that I couldn't even truly identify the feeling in any way other than God's supernatural freedom. I knew I wasn't completely healed and on track - there is a lot of learning that comes along with living a life free of something as debilitating as depression - but I also knew that it wasn't in my hands anymore. It isn't a secret burden anymore, and God was fighting my battle for me.
In less than 24 hours, I have already seen my own thoughts, desires, and behaviors change. I've been content or joyful a lot of the day, feeling as though I can allow people to know and love me for who I am, and also very secure in knowing what it is that I have because of God's grace (take some time to study out Ephesians and you'll have a list longer than you can imagine!). I haven't wanted to feel depressed or isolate myself, I haven't resorted to any of the coping behaviors that I've done for so long they had become more of a lifestyle than anything, and I am so excited to see where God takes me from here.
So, if you find yourself holding something back from God that you know He has offered to take from you, do whatever it is you need to do to get to a place of letting it go - whether it's bitterness, depression, worthlessness, an idol that you've placed before Him in your life, or anything else, God wants to see you free so that you can live your life abundantly through Him, spreading His perfect plan of grace for all people. I am praying for all of my readers and anyone who may come across this blog to find a new freedom in Christ.
As always, prayer requests are more than welcome and very important! I pray you all experience the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ and come to know the breadth and depth and width and height of His never-ending, unconditional, magnificent love for you!
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