Lesson 8: Healthy Boundaries

Something that anyone should learn early on in life is how to have relationships with healthy boundaries - whether it is with friends, teachers, coworkers, a boss, parents, or romantically. As soon as boundaries are crossed it is very hard to go back to the way things were. This goes for boundaries of trust, love, intimacy, anything. Over the past year I have definitely learned in many ways what this looks like.

Friends: I used to be someone very slow to trust, and I tend to still be that way; but when I meet someone who I just "click" with, it is easy for me to abandon all sense of caution and share deep parts of my heart with them. Sometimes that works out just fine, and other times it ends in utter chaos. One thing that I would say I've started "requiring" in my friends before I willingly share things with them is that we are on the same page spiritually. If we are both living our lives with God as center and defined by grace, I find it is much easier for both of us to keep the relationship on a healthy level. This also goes for the receiving end. If you have a friend that tends to share every aspect of their life with you and it is too much for you to take on or you feel as though you are carrying too much of their burden, you need to tell them! Take the time to sort through the boundaries in your friendship and make sure they are healthy and workable for both of you. If you tend to be that clingy or over-sharing person, ask you friend to tell you if it gets to be too much or if they need a break. Communication is vital. This should also be the starting point for any romantic relationship, except that physical boundaries should also be discussed right away.

Family: It can be hard to establish boundaries with family because they tend to know your best and worst, and often are the cause for both. If you are an adult, though, it is time to make sure the boundaries set between you and your parents are good for both sides - the parents are always going to love and care about you and it will be hard for them to "let go" as you get older and stop telling them so much about your life. Give them some grace. Do your best not to lose it on them if they ask where you've been - instead tell them nicely but ask them in the most loving way possible if you can have a little space within reason. Don't just strip them of everything they've ever known all at once. If you have siblings, you will most likely start seeing your relationships with them become more like friendships, especially if you aren't living at home anymore, but they will always be your siblings, so don't expect the rivalry to go away completely :)

Others: In more formal relationships or with those people you don't grow as close to, remember to keep them on a level of acquaintance. If you tend to wear your feelings on your sleeve or share your problems with anyone who will listen, you will need to work at keeping those boundaries up. That's what your close friends are for. Ease into those relationships and maybe they'll lead to friendships; but jump in head first and you may just find yourself gasping for air and wondering how you can end that particular relationship.

Don't forget: ³³ Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

I found this out the hard way with several friendships I had during my first couple years of college. Unfortunately I shared too much with a couple of these friends and it was too late by then. Thankfully, I was able to find a way to break off these unhealthy relationships and rebuild the others with healthy boundaries. I wish, though, that I had been more sensible in the beginning with choosing where I set my boundaries with those individuals.

I Gave It to the Lord

We all have something we need to give up to the Lord, and most of us know exactly what it is we're holding back from Him. We say we'll give it to Him, but then we take back a little piece of it to keep for ourselves. We make excuses for why we need to hold on to that piece - we need to learn our lesson, it's too hard to say no to, or it's a good reminder of where we came from - but those excuses are exactly what hold us back from experiencing the fullness of life through Christ Jesus.

Up to this point in my treatment for depression, I would say things like, "Lord, I am going to give this to you. I need your help," but a part of me didn't want to let it go. When you've walked around with something like depression for as long as I have, the thought of being without it can leave you confused and uncomfortable. "Without it there, what do I have left? I can't remember the last time I felt anything but depressed." In a very unhealthy way, I wanted it to hang around so I could feel sorry for myself - at times I actually liked the feelings the depression gave me.

This is exactly what God is getting at when He asks us to give Him our burdens. He wants the whole thing, not just the stuff we feel comfortable giving up. This was made very real to me this weekend while attending InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Fall Conference. The first night we were there, a skit was done showing a girl who let Jesus take her bag full of trash after He told her that is what He does, but she wanted to keep one little piece of it. The fact that she couldn't give it to Him broke Jesus' heart because His love for us compels Him to take away any suffering we carry with us.

That skit confirmed what God had been urging me to do for a few weeks, and I knew then and there that this would be the weekend I finally let go of the last little bits of trash I was carrying around and experience the freedom that comes through Christ alone. All day on Saturday I wrestled with the idea of giving up my last bit of control because, you see, I love to be in control; but my need for control was really starting to ruin my relationship with God in ways I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge.

On Saturday night during our plenary session, a call for prayer was made for anyone needing to let something go into God's hands or make a commitment to Him. I watched for a full hour as hundreds of other students went to the front to recieve prayer as we worshipped, and I tried to convince myself that I could just tell God by myself that I was going to let Him have everything - I was ready to let it go, I knew that for sure (and that was freeing in itself) but I didn't want to have to go to the front and tell a prayer leader that I wanted to give it up. Well, we all know how God gets His way in the end - He kept telling me He was proud of my decision but also kept reminding me of verses in the Bible where it talks about making confessions before a community of believers that can build you up and hold you accountable when the hard times come. Finally, right before the service ended, I made my way to the front and told the prayer leader that God had been asking me to give Him my struggles with depression and unhealthy coping behaviors, and I had finally decided to say yes.

I returned to my seat feeling so light and different that I couldn't even truly identify the feeling in any way other than God's supernatural freedom. I knew I wasn't completely healed and on track - there is a lot of learning that comes along with living a life free of something as debilitating as depression - but I also knew that it wasn't in my hands anymore. It isn't a secret burden anymore, and God was fighting my battle for me.

In less than 24 hours, I have already seen my own thoughts, desires, and behaviors change. I've been content or joyful a lot of the day, feeling as though I can allow people to know and love me for who I am, and also very secure in knowing what it is that I have because of God's grace (take some time to study out Ephesians and you'll have a list longer than you can imagine!). I haven't wanted to feel depressed or isolate myself, I haven't resorted to any of the coping behaviors that I've done for so long they had become more of a lifestyle than anything, and I am so excited to see where God takes me from here.

So, if you find yourself holding something back from God that you know He has offered to take from you, do whatever it is you need to do to get to a place of letting it go - whether it's bitterness, depression, worthlessness, an idol that you've placed before Him in your life, or anything else, God wants to see you free so that you can live your life abundantly through Him, spreading His perfect plan of grace for all people. I am praying for all of my readers and anyone who may come across this blog to find a new freedom in Christ.

As always, prayer requests are more than welcome and very important! I pray you all experience the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ and come to know the breadth and depth and width and height of His never-ending, unconditional, magnificent love for you!

Burden of Love

I have always been so grateful for everything my mom ever was and did for our family. I have been so impressed with how she would sacrifice everything she wanted or needed to make sure everyone else, even outside the family, had what they desired. I have always hoped that I would eventually be the same kind of mom mine has been.

The past few days I have become even more thankful for all my mom did because God is giving me the grace to understand and experience what it feels like to have a sort of "motherly" burden for those I love. A lot of people hear that and say, "Oh, so you're that overbearing friend who always makes sure people are following the rules and put a damper on the fun." No. That was never how my mom was, and that's not how I am either.

Look at it from the perspective of a parent for a second. God, as our Heavenly Father, loves us so extremely much that He does literally everything He can to be sure that we are more than taken care of. Because He loves us this way, we never have to feel like we don't have enough; but He also, then, wants us to be able to experience what is best for us, even if in the process there's a little pain or hardship along the way.

That is the sort of burden He is allowing me to experience for certain people in my life right now. I love them so much and just want everything in their lives to be perfect, according to God's will. He wants us to live abundantly (with way more than enough love, joy, peace, money, food, etc.). As a part of this desire to see people living to their utmost, God is beginning to remind me what it is like to have a burden of prayer for others again - something I haven't experienced really since my days at MCA. Every moment of the day I want to just be in His presence and praying for these people that I know haven't experienced Him to the extent that they could. It's called intercession, where your spirit literally cries out to God for that of another person whom you deeply love. I am seriously craving this constantly right now, and I thank God that He is allowing me to be that person for these friends and classmates of mine.

While I know that I can only do so much in helping them make the right choices and keep themselves healthy in mind, body, and spirit, I know that the Lord can do mighty things when even one or two people have just a small amount of faith. In the same way, then, I am believing and excited to see what God does through this new experience He is allowing me to have. While it's a slow and painful process, and I often wish I could just make people listen and do what God says is best, I know that's not how God intends it to be and I just have to wait on His timing to perfect what is broken or stained.