I'm Back - Please Read to the End

I had a reader ask me yesterday in a fairly intense conversation why I quit blogging. She told me she missed reading my uplifting and inspiring posts and seeing the love of God shining through the text of my page. I had to take a step back and really think about that. I see the views-counter all the time of how many people have been on my page, but the lack of comments and not knowing if people were even actually reading what I was saying made it hard for me to continue. What if I was spending all this time on these posts and no one even cared about what I was writing?

I'd have to say I fell into a rut, in more ways than one: dealing with some personal stuff, handling the stress of college life, and actually losing a good amount of inspiration to even continue writing. Even the pressures of performance, something I've struggled with since I was very young, trying to live up to what I perceive others expect from me and thinking that if I don't get a tangible response I'm not performing well. But I realized today how much I miss my writing, how calming, almost therapeutic, it is for me, and that I'm actually pretty good at it whether people compliment me on it or not. I realized that I can write just for ME and not make it about what other people want to hear. There are things God wants to show me through my time in His Word and journaling and writing with and to Him that are important for ME to have, not just to share with all of you.

So to sum all this up, basically, I'm back. And it may not be as regular as before, but I can promise it will not be months in between each of my posts. And things may get a bit more personal, and I hope that you all are ok with that because it is what matters to me. Being a human means that we experience pain, weakness, joys, successes, and so many other things. I am just as human as all of you and I have prepared myself to become more vulnerable with the people who can experience God through my experiences.

I pray you all experience Him today in a tangible and meaninful way that is unforgettable to you. I'd love to hear about it! Leave comments below with prayer requests or what has been going on in your day so we can all share in each other's joys and sorrows, rejoicing with God when He rejoices, and thanking Him when He gives us moments of teaching and correciton.

Who Am I Doing This For?

I reread some of my journals last night from this past spring and summer, starting around April and continuing on to about August, where I knew I had to stop. It wasn't because they were hard to read or dug up painful memories that I stopped, rather they made me realize something about myself: so much of the time, especially when I'm writing my blog or having a quiet time with a friend, I consider what I say based on how it will benefit them, as if it has already done its work for me. I find myself doing my Bible study or personal quiet time in such a way that it's as if I'm just looking for what I can share with others. Granted, I still get a lot out of my time in the Word, but instead of being focused on how it applies best to my life, I often find myself focused on how I can best word it in my next blog post to share it in a way that's relevant to the reader. But when I journal with no intentions of sharing my writing, God truly comes and it's as if I'm pouring my whole heart out to Him; and throughout the writing you can find a definite place where God does the necessary work in my heart and my writing is transformed from selfish, full of problems, pitiful little girl to young woman of the Most High who knows who she is in the eyes of her Creator.

Realizing this really impacted me because I recognized that God's first goal in sharing things with me is for me to come to know Him and experience life His way. Sharing this knowledge and experience comes later. God has designed these messages for me and rather than taking what He is laying before me and holding tight to the part that He has chosen for me, I pick it all up and give it all away, leaving me empty-handed but feeling as if I accomplished something really worthwhile.

Now, it's all well and good to share what God has given you to share; but when you don't take anything for yourself and give it all away, you become burnt out and eventually are useless until you get refueled. It's like an old-fashioned oil lamp that can't burn anymore once it's empty of oil. This is the point where you have to make it a point to be refueling everyday to ensure you have what you need for the day. Taking time to yourself and not sharing what God is giving you sometimes is not being selfish or stingy. It is simply recognizing that every relationship requires equal give and take, and there are boundaries that say when enough has been taken without you being given anything more to work with.

I believe that this is something I need to discover with my blogging. As an example of the difference it can make, my journals for God and myself have a deep, raw, penetrative and truly beautiful writing about them. My blogs are good, too, but only the "journal" style blog posts are really all that. The rest of my blogs lack the luster they need to be truly captivating. But if I focus my time in the Word on God and what He wants to share with me, just like my journal, my blog posts will gain the richness and beauty that they deserve to possess. I hope that through their relevance to my life they will be exactly what a certain reader needed to see that day, therefore, inspired by God rather than the "notions of Kelly." I pray you recieve what the Lord has prepared for you today and would love to hear about what He's doing in your life in the comments below!