Be Like David

I've always admired and esteemed David - a man after God's own heart. I've wanted to be like him, know God the way he knew Him. In reading the Psalms we get a beautiful picture of David's intimacy with God. David pours out his heart to God in every circumstance. He is honest and authentic in how he relates to God and about how he experiences life on earth. His transparency may seem disrespectful to some as he does not hold back his anger from God; but in every Psalm where anger is expressed, David submits himself in praise and worship, too.

Something that stood out to me today as I read Psalm 118 is that David "called on the Lord in distress" (v5). Now, this is nothing new to me, and he writes this in many of his Psalms; but today as I was reading it, it was like God said "this is how you get close with me." We all know the stories of how badly David messed up - adultery, murder, pride, covetousness - and it doesn't always make sense how a guy who has done all that can still be called a man after God's own heart. Cue the beauty of agape love. God's love transcends all of this sin and keeps us in right-standing with Him. It's not about all of the bad things David did or the depression and oppression he experienced in his life. It's about how he responded to those things. David called on the Lord.

In my own life, I have found that the way I respond to sin, hurt, disappointment, or depression can have two resulting effects:
          1. It can bring me closer to God and let me know Him deeper
or       2. It can push me away from Him to the point that I'm too ashamed to try to come back.
Obviously, I prefer the first result, so I must learn to respond accordingly. My response is a choice. And oftentimes it's a hard one - in the midst of that sin or hurt or depression, it feels a whole lot easier to react with my emotions, wallow in my sorrows, and pity myself. In the moment, that feels amazing. But later on it feels utterly miserable. In that moment of making the choice of how I am going to respond, I have to remind myself what the long-term result will be.

In following David's example, moments of sin and pain are meant to be opportunities to call on God. It takes humility to acknowledge sin or hurt and allow someone else to fix it ~ praise the Lord that Christ made it possible to be fixed! When we take up that humility and call on the Lord, it gives God the opportunity to exalt us, heal us, and make us whole again. If I really want to know God the way that David did, I must intentionally choose to let Him know me and heal me and restore me instead of running and hiding from Him.

There's Only Grace Now

I am absolutely loving what I'm doing. A couple of months ago I probably would have said something more like, "What did I get myself into?" Or, "Alright, that's it, I'm moving home to be a kid forever!" (Ok, I still have both of these thoughts on occasion, but now I know deep down I'm really just kidding.)

When I first moved to Winona Lake, I went through that honeymoon period. Everything was so new and exciting. I was living in the apartment I had had dreams about since signing the lease. I was connecting with people in my program cohort. Things were so great. But then in the thick of learning all things counseling, I hit that regret and confusion phase that every grad student does. Am I really supposed to be here? Is counseling really what I want to do? Am I always going to be this bad at counseling? I seriously lost track of how many times I contemplated dropping the program, how many times I called my mom and said I couldn't do this. But I pushed through, and here I am, knowing what my passion is and so excited that I have the chance to live it!

This sort of passion and perseverance is exactly what the devil wants to stop in our lives. And he knows exactly what he needs to do to each of us individually to stop God's plan in our lives. For me, it is making me feel isolated. Even when I'm surrounded by people and even have a few express their care for me, if I'm not on my guard, I can have thoughts slipping in that tell me I'm all alone in the world, nobody cares, and people aren't here for me when I need them. But I know good and well that's not true at all.

In the recent weeks of finishing my first year of grad school, I have been faced with this isolation a lot. Friendships have grown apart, stress has been overwhelming, and life has been plain exhausting. But there has been one place of solace, One person who has stuck it out, and the only thing to bring peace when peace is the most senseless thing to be had. I find myself taking on humility on a new level, recognizing that my own strength will not lead me to over come; I am only sufficient when I am in Him, and His strength is made perfect when I am at my weakest. I have felt more love, more purpose, more intimacy with Christ in these last weeks than I have in almost all the time since moving here. I recognize areas where I still need to grow and that will stretch me thin until I’ve been made complete; but in this moment, there is only grace now, and grace is all I need.

"I'll Pray for You"

How often do you actually pray for someone when you tell them you're going to? I find myself frequently telling a friend or coworker that I'll be praying for them. I used to fall into the habit of saying this and then realizing later that I never did actually pray for them.  I have also been in friendships where they would say "I'll try to remember to pray for you." or "I'll do my best to pray for you." While I appreciate the honesty of those two statements, I appreciate even more when you hold praying for others as a priority. Yes, telling someone you're praying for them is a great way to encourage them in a hard time; but what is even more encouraging is actually praying for them!!!

Something I've started making a habit of is that as soon as I tell someone I am praying for them, I pray for them right then and there. Whether it's in a comment on Facebook, a text message, in a letter, or in person, I take a moment right then to lift them in prayer. It doesn't have to be long, it doesn't even have to be out loud. But it does need to happen. Anytime I have the slightest thought about someone go through my head, I immediately send up a prayer for them, whether I know what it is that they need or not. It's the perfect opportunity to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and impact someone else's life.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thes. 5:16-18 (ESV)

What is so awesome about prayer is that it is literally just a conversation with our Creator, our Lover. We should talk with God the way we talk with our friends. We do that all day long, so why not talk to God all day long? Tell Him about the "hi" and "lo" of your day, or the funny moment that happened in class, or the stress you're feeling about an assignment. Ultimately, take the time to put yourself and your needs aside and pray for those of someone else, just as if you were encouraging them right there in front of you. Jesus knows what they need, and He wants to give it to them. Help them get what they need.

My challenge to you: Who are you praying for today, and I mean really praying?

Lesson 10: Treatment is something you have to do for yourself

Just like having faith in God is a personal issue, treatment is another one of those things that while you get support from those around you, it is ultimately up to you. I've been relearning this concept over and over again, and especially lately.

When I've been finding myself in low days or ruts, the defining moment of my day isn't the feelings I have throughout, but what I DO with those thoughts, feelings, and resulting actions. For example, I have the option of taking my thoughts captive, dwelling on my thoughts until they consume me, bringing God into the situation to ask for help, or finding as many friends to text as I can.

As much as I love my friends and all they do to support me, the responses I know will get me the best results are the ones where my focus is returned to God no matter what. This is really a struggle for me sometimes - I like to have attention on my problems because it gives me the sense that people care, so when I take it just to God and have no one to commiserate with, it is hard for me to really work things out. Part of that comes from the last lesson of pushing God away. It's a daily choice whether we will pick up our cross and follow Him, but that choice can change the entire course of our day.

And this brings me back to treatment (and faith) being our own personal issue. Here's the deal: yes, we are created to be relational and to share in one another's burdens. BUT that does NOT mean that we simply unload everything onto someone else and do nothing ourselves. It is good to have people that will pray for you and hold you accountable (even counselors do this), but when they replace God and your own efforts in your life, things start to spiral down very quickly until those relationships crash and burn.

If you have a support system like mine, you probably hear quite often that you need to take things to God, find time to be in the Word, pray, and ask for His help in choosing Him every day. And if you're like me, sometimes you cringe at those responses because you wanted someone to have a pity party with you. BUT in the end, those responses are exactly what you need to get yourself back in gear and get your focus back on God. Between you and Him, there is nothing (even treatment and recovery) that is impossible!!

Lesson 4: Vulnerability is not a weakness

Today's lesson goes well with yesterday's lesson. Many people have made comments to me lately that imply that their view of vulnerability is that it is a form of weakness, that letting someone else get close enough to see who you really are means that you aren't strong enough to do life on your own. Well, good news people! We were never meant to do any of this stuff alone!

God created us to have relationships. Our first and most important relationship should be the one we have with Him. We are designed to need Him and our life fulfills it's biggest purpose when we fully rely on Him. He also designed us to have relationships with the other people He has chosen to place in our lives, whether they are family, friends that may as well be family, a pastor or mentor, or in necessary situations, a professional counselor.

When we choose to share our lives with other people, it not only makes us stronger, but it empowers and encourages others, too. We become stronger when we rely on other people, not weaker, because two are not as easily overcome, and three are not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). If you tend to be one who is wary about trusting someone close to you because of fear of judgment or that they may not feel the same about you after they know your dirt, I would encourage you to take the step of being vulnerabe with them. You don't have to divulge all your life's secrets, but even taking the time to share a simple feeling with someone else can bring the two of you closer and give you something to identify with between the two of you. You'll be amazed at how God can use your friendship to strengthen both of you and also be a light to others around you!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!

It's Time You Knew

Disclaimer: While this post is long, I feel it is important that you read all of it. To those of you who know me, whether it is really well or hardly at all, this post is different from really anything I've written for public eyes before. Be aware that it touches on some heavy subjects and if you have anything come up that you want to talk about after reading it, please don't hesitate to contact me!

 

It's Time You Knew

 

Sitting there in that office, I was making one of the hardest decisions of my life. It was the second semester of my second year of college. I had tested out of a full year of school, making me a junior already; but now I was faced with a choice. Was all that hard work to get ahead really worth it? What would it mean if I gave it all up now? Here was my choice: Do I stay in school and finish out this semester at my university, or do I take medical leave and check myself into a residential treatment center for the depression I had been living with since I was 14 years old?

People’s opinions about my decision swirled around in my head as I tried to weigh out the pros and cons of each of the options I had. What would my parents think? That I was a hopeless case? That they had messed up too much to have a successful daughter? What would my teachers think? Well, quite honestly, it was more like ‘What will I think of myself if I let down these teachers who have put so much time and energy into my education?’ What would my friends think? Oh, I already knew what they thought. They kept telling me they would understand whatever decision I needed to make, but was that really true? I wasn’t so sure. As much as they said they would understand, they also kept telling me how wrong it would feel to be at school without me. I knew, though, that eventually they would get over it and soon it would be as if I had never been there with them in the first place. Deep down, though, I knew the answer I was really searching for: Would I be able to live with the results of leaving school for a semester and having my secret, private life be made known to everyone I knew on campus? The prospect of that scared me because as much as I would have liked to believe that people would be understanding and supportive, I feared more that they would judge me, think there was something wrong with me, and criticize me for being too weak to keep going.

As I sat in the office with my outpatient counselor patiently drawing an answer out of me, I couldn’t get my feelings straight. Finally I found a moment of peace and said, “I don’t think inpatient treatment is right for me right now. I am going to stay in school for the semester and just really focus on my treatment as it is. I know the inpatient option is always there if I ever do need it.” She looked at me with eyes that told me she was the epitome of sincerity. She affirmed my decision and the conversation moved on to what needed to happen next.

As we talked my mind was still sprinting in all directions with questions of how things even got to this point, what made it come to this decision even having to be made, and was I searching for my answers in the place I knew I could find them. For the rest of the evening I kept turning those same three questions over and over in my head until I was relatively satisfied with the answers.

How did things even get to this point?  Well, that one I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be honest about. For years I had lived with depression being the only way of living I understood. Even before I knew I had depression, I knew there was something wrong with me that kept me from living the way most other kids did. Why couldn’t I be carefree and love being around people? Why did one little word have to ruin my whole day? Why was I so terrible at making friends and keeping them? I have come to know now that the depression was not an excuse for all of these things, simply an explanation. As I learned more about the way depression works, it became more and more clear that I had grown up with depression ruling every area of my life as much as I had been trying to fight or deny it. I had put up a front and pretended for so long that everything was perfect in my world that it became what I truly believed. Instead of facing the things that tried to tear me down, I rejected their existence and even the fact that God existed in the midst of my problems.

I had been raised in a Christian home, attended a Christian school my whole life, and truly loved the church my family called home. I learned the truth of God’s Word from a very young age, and there was no question that God had proven His faithfulness to me time and time again. So why, then, was it so hard for me to be authentic and vulnerable with Him? Maybe because I was afraid of what the people around me would think. My perception of some members of my church and school was that they expected no one to have struggles and judged those who were open about struggles they did have. I realize now that my thinking that way was wrong, and that has given me a lot of freedom in being vulnerable with those God has placed in my life. Maybe it was because I didn’t understand that God had allowed my life to be the way it was for a reason. I spent many years going back and forth between feeling God’s presence all around me to being bitter and rejecting God, having too much pride to admit I needed His help and even convincing myself that He clearly didn’t care about my life anyway. I let that bitterness invade my relationships with classmates and even my parents. It tore my family in two, especially the way I behaved in regards to my own dad. I refused to recognize the efforts he made to make my life as great as it was and only looked at the things that he had done to cause me pain and heartbreak. I see now that everything under the sun has a purpose for its happening. There is some reason God allowed me to experience a life with depression, emotional and verbal abuse, bullying, social anxiety, and self-image problems. I don’t believe that these experiences bring God glory and make Him pleased; rather, it is what we do with these experiences to be a witness of His faithfulness through our many trials that bring glory to His kingdom. There is nothing I could say or do without His being in it. He was in these experiences with me and was working in them every single moment to teach me how to use my life for the purpose it was created – His purpose, to bring His children into His kingdom.

So then, how did I get to this point of having to make this seemingly impossible decision? In the midst of my experiencing depression, I had encountered what it means to feel as though my life was worthless. As much as I would push the thoughts out of my mind, they took root and infiltrated my thinking to the point of wanting to take my own life. My first plan of suicide came when I was 16, a sophomore in high school, with so much going for me that no one would have believed what was going on under the surface. I had two friends who were willing to face the reality with me and prayed for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. I am still thankful to them to this day that God saved me from what I almost did to myself that night. After that I was pretty stable for a couple of years. Then my senior year of high school came and I was overwhelmed by everything that involved. So much of it was full of joy, but a lot of it was filled with the prospect of missing all these friends I had finally come to know, leaving the only atmosphere I had ever lived in, and facing the uncertainty of all the years yet to come. I made a lot of decisions during that year without allowing God to be a part of them. I lived out of fake authenticity and became very good at hiding the fact that I had any problems at all – except to my closest friends. To them, I made some of my problems bigger than reality in hopes that I would gain their attention. It was almost like my cry for help without really knowing that that was what I was doing. Many times during that year I thought of ending my life, just wishing everything I was feeling – frustration, confusion, helplessness – would go away forever and leave me be. That’s all I wanted – to just BE, whatever that meant.  I sought help in two teachers at my high school who I knew I could trust, and I finished my senior year and graduation with the appearance that I was in love with life and all that was laid out before me.

When I arrived in River Falls, WI, to begin my freshman year of college, I knew it was time to allow my true self to come forward, but I didn’t know how to do that. I made some friends and got connected in a Bible study right away, but I fell into my old patterns of keeping up appearance. I got worn out – really worn out – and by the end of the first semester I could feel things changing again. I was miserable my second semester, barely keeping my head above the water, but kept pushing on with no one suspecting a thing. Several times that semester I had contemplated ending my life, but I couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to the last few people I knew loved me. Summer came and went and I started my second year at UWRF even worse off than the last. I was low to the point that I wasn’t even sure I could handle school. I found myself being honest with another friend and telling her what I had been living through the previous year and where I was at now. For a while, things were good. I had friends close by, was enjoying my classes, and was actually feeling pretty good about things; but I started to notice this cycle of low weeks and my coping skills were just not there to handle them. By November, I was at rock bottom.  I remember that night so vividly it hurts. I was within seconds of taking an entire bottle of Tylenol when I just broke down. I was shaking, couldn’t breathe, panicking. I called a friend in North Dakota and she told me I had to find someone on campus to get to me right away. I texted a girl in my Bible study and she found me in my room hardly able to stand. That night was lower than I’ve ever been.

The next morning I went to the counseling center on campus and was referred off campus because of the severity of my case. I started outpatient treatment for severe depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation on December 1, 2011. I also had my mom come over that evening so I could share with her everything I had been feeling for the past six years. Within weeks I was making incredible progress, and I went on to do very well in school that semester. J-term break was definitely a challenge, but I kept people around me who knew what was going on to support me. We arrived back at school for the spring semester, and the transition into routine was really a challenge. The cycles of low weeks had continued and I found myself isolating much of the time – wanting to be alone, do nothing, sleep constantly – and one afternoon I ran away from campus and refused to answer calls when people came looking for me. Thankfully I hadn’t intended on harming myself, but nonetheless, I knew it was time for a wake-up-call. That night, I found myself being taken to the emergency room, stripped of any pride I had left, and weak enough to just let what happened happen. That’s all it took – I was shocked into knowing I wanted my life to change from that point forward because I couldn’t take being under the scrutiny of all that happened in the ER that night. So that is what led me to the outpatient counselor’s office for this decision.

Being in the ER that night made me realize I had been drawing on only my strength, still keeping secrets from the people I loved and those who loved me. By then I had told my dad, too, what was going on, and I had found a friend in one of the professional staff on campus who I knew was praying for me and there for encouragement any time I needed her. But I also knew that my strength alone was no match for this terrible, haunting depression that had become my normal; and I knew I wanted nothing more to do with it than to let it be a way for God to help others find His love, grace, hope and faithfulness.  That day when I was released from the hospital into the care of my roommates, I knew things had to change, and they have. In the last few months I have repeatedly asked God to help get me through the inevitable low days, I’ve learned the things I should be doing to cope with them when they come, and I have made progress that even I sometimes can’t believe is possible.

Thanks to God and a few close friends, my life is starting to make a difference. Every time I hear of another person lost to suicide because they don’t know how much their life means to the other people around them, I am struck by the sheer tenacity I have found in allowing others to see my pain. I pray that by sharing all of this someone somewhere would be saved from a life so miserable they feel it can only get better by ending it. I am thankful for every experience God has allowed me to have, simply for the reason that it gives Him another chance to make His love and faithfulness known. Yes, there are still days when life gets me down – but it’s not about those low moments. They are moments, not a definition of your entire life!

My last words to you are this: if you are finding yourself feeling the way I described in all of this, please don’t continue to face life alone. We were created to need each other and to need God. If you need someone you can trust to help you through this, know that I am making myself completely available, any time any place. But if it can’t be me, please seek out someone it can be. Don’t keep making things look ok when really you are barely holding up inside. Life is worth living, and you are worth more than life itself. If you’re reading this, know that there is at least one person, a college student in River Falls, WI, who loves you possibly without even knowing you, and that God knows you and loves you in a way that is unfathomable. Know that I am praying for you and here if you ever need it.

<3 Kelly



A Brother, A Skeptic, and God's Perfect Plan

It's not very often that we experience a day that stands out as being completely put together by God, but as I was thinking back through today, I realized that every single little piece aligned perfectly to what I asked God to do this morning. Every morning while I'm eating breakfast I read the day's entry in a book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (I highly recommend this little power-packed faith booster!). Today's entry happened to be about asking God to speak through you before every conversation you have - how appropriate for a day where I spend 9 hours giving campus tours, talking with prospective students and their families, and intentionally leading conversations in such a way that makes UW-River Falls sound like the best place on earth (by the way, it does rank pretty high up there ;) ). So, as I was finishing my breakfast, I asked God to take advantage of the opportunities that presented themselves today with every family that saw my face at the college visit day. And He did exactly that!

In one of the question and answer sessions we (the student panel) were asked to tell the visitors where we graduated high school from, what year we are in college, and our major/minor of study. Usually with this kind of a question I don't specifically state directly out that I attended a small, private, Christian school in Brooklyn Park, however, as I was waiting for my turn to come I felt the strongest urging to say exactly that. Little did I know that there was a family that I had never met before in my life sitting in the audience who attend Living Word and were immediately drawn to this campus when they heard where I came from. The dad, Craig, came up to me after the session and asked me what private school it was that I went to. I said, "Maranatha Christian Academy" and his eyes lit up with a smile I wish I could have photographed. He said, "That's our church!" Of course, I had to share in his excitement and say, "Mine too! Been there my whole life!" Well, our conversation progressed and we talked about the Christian groups I'm involved with on campus and he asked if we could meet up after the tour to talk more and so I could meet his family. In the end it didn't work out for us to meet later, but if my willingness to put myself out there made for a memorable visit for Craig and his family, then I praise the Lord that they had a positive experience that might just be exactly what they needed to help them make their college decision. Perhaps I'll even get to see them at church sometime, even though it is an awfully big place.

As soon as Craig and I ended our conversation I walked over and joined the other tour guides, and one of the other girls I've been getting to know better asked me who the guy was that I was talking to. I said, "He goes to my church and I didn't even know it! But then again, my church has like 10,000 members..." She didn't even flinch at the number like so many other people do and said, "Do you go to Eagle Brook?"And for a second I had to repeat what she said because it was so unexpected, but I replied, "That's the church I go to when I'm at school, but he goes to the church I went to back home." We got into a conversation about EBC and she told me how it's the only church she's found so far that has actually sparked her interest - she identified herself as a skeptic but said that EBC actually makes it fun. While we had to break our conversation there, I made a point to talk to her more about it later.

This goes back further than it would seem - while I was on the staff retreat with the Admissions office in May, I felt very out of place and almost like I had a spotlight on me because I am the only one on the student staff who openly expresses my Christianity. When I got home from the retreat I was reflecting on it and almost trying to get God to commisterate with me over that fact, but He didn't let that last long. Right away I knew there had to be a bigger reason that I was chosen to be on that staff again this year besides my ability to perform the job well. All the sudden things are starting to come into perspective and I can't wait to see where God takes it!

So, overall, today was just totally God doing exactly what I asked Him to do. I haven't even mentioned yet the fabulous tours that I had with some of the families today and the excitement that I saw in the students about the opportunities and experiences that UW-River Falls has to offer. I had one girl look at her mom and say, "I am for sure going here!" That was enough to make the sore feet, tired voice, and long day completely worth it. That, and the doors that God is opening inch-by-inch in my relationships with people at my college. It makes me very excited to see what all He has in store for me this coming school year!.

How Do We Walk in the Light?

I sat down to read 1 John 1 - 2 (NIV) last night for the second time and I was struck by a question as I was getting to verses 5-7. This is something that I've read and heard many times, being raised in a Christian home; but as I looked at it, I realized that I wasn't totally sure about what it means to actually "walk in the light" in everyday life. I did a closer study on these two chapters, and this is what I came up with:

Ch 1:
                  darkness = sin (v 6)                                        light = God (v 5)
       *So to walk in the light means to walk in God - it doesn't mean we deny our sins (v 8) but instead acknowledge them, confess them to God, and ask Him for forgiveness (v 9). When we do this we are promised forgiveness and cleansing.
                  forgiveness: to grant pardon for or remission of; absolve; to cancel any debt
                  cleanse: to remove guilt from
       *Doesn't take away the consequences of sin, but brings complete restoration and takes away the residue of sin: the guilt, shame, fear, etc.

I often find I hide my sin out of fear of the pain involved in changing the way I live.      

Analogy Time:    
      *The forgiveness isn't the painful part - the cleansing can be. When we humble ourselves to God, take His hand, and let Him pull us out of our heap of shame, the act of being pulled up doesn't hurt us(forgiveness) because we are letting God do all the work. What hurts is when the shame tries to keep it's grip on us (our struggle or the flesh not wanting to let go or give in to the Spirit) as we are being pulled away. It can rip pieces of us away with it and cause open sores; but when we are pulled all the way out, God wraps His arms around us and His embrace covers us with a healing love that repairs the places where hurt ans hame have had their way with us.

If we deny sin we deny grace and ultimately reject Him altogether. (v 10)

Ch 2:

                  Jesus Christ = Advocate (v 1) and Propitiation (v 2)

       I've met and discussed with many people who have a hard time with the word 'propitiation' and I really don't blame them. Until now, I really didn't have a decent way of explaining what it means for Jesus to be the propitiation for our sins without mudding the waters even more. Take a look at this:

                  propitiate: to bring to a state of peace, quiet, ease, calm, or contentment; to reconcile -->

                  reconcile: to bring into harmony

How do we know that we know Him?

•  If we keep His commandments, God's love is perfected in us - brought to maturity (v 3)
• Walk just as He walked - in love (v 6)

       *The word from the beginning (referenced over and over in John's 3 epistles) is to love one another (1 John 3:11, Deuteronomy 10:12) (v 7)
       *The same commandment of love is also new as it is continually reapplied in our lives (John 15:9-13) (v 8)

                  Hatred = Darkness (v 9, 11)                                     Love = Light = God (v 10)
       *So, to walk in the light literally means to walk in love, and since God IS love, walking in the light is the same as walking in God

The mark or evidence of a true Christian is love.

How do we overcome darkness?

• Don't love the world or the things of the world (v 15)

       This doesn't mean we don't love the people in the world - we can love them while hating their sin

• Love one another - you'll abide in Him and will be given eternal life (v 24)

       True believers love one another and even love their enemies

                  Enemy: anyone who does not agree with the entire message of grace and redemption in

                  Christ Jesus

Evidence of Faith:

• Walk in obedience and love
• Deny our own interests on behalf of others
• Love one another with the love of Christ
• Pray for those who are living in sin

Now it's you're turn! Leave comments of practical ways that you have found to walk in the light, or walk in love, in your everyday life.

 

Lean On Who?

God has created us to be social creatures, each one of us having different traits, likes, and dislikes that make us unique so that we all have something to contribute to the body of Christ. He has placed us where He has so that we can function by our design - to build relationships with others and with Him to bring glory to His kingdom. I thank God every day for the friends He has allowed me to have during my time on earth, and quite honestly, I don't know what I would do without them. But I have also come to a realization that I think God has tried to show me more than once before. I realized I've started relying more on the companionship of my friends than on my relationship with God.

Yep, there ya go. Plain and simple, right? You would think that would be something that is pretty obvious when it's happening. But in reality, you get into the flow of your every day schedule with the set times that you're doing your set activities; and in my world, a lot of my set activities have to do with time spent with friends. In looking at my schedule during any given week, I probably spend on average 10 hours a day with my friends. 10 hours! That's over half my day, not including the time I'm sleeping, in class, or at work. When this finally hit me, I realized there was a big part of my life (at least about 10 hours a day) that was devoid of time spent with God. I began to see all the areas where I was counting on my friends to eat lunch with me, walk to class with me, text me all day long, do homework together, and spend our free time together. While it's good that we can have friends to have fun with, confide in, and find joy in relationships with, God did not intend for that to be all there is.

God's intention for friendships was to be a human extension of our relationship with Him, not a replacement for time spent with Him with the excuse that if they're Christian friends it's almost like spending time with God while we're with them. No. That's not how it works. Sorry if that bursts your bubble. God is so jealous of our hearts that it tears Him apart when He sees us counting on our friends more than we look to Him. It's such an easy thing to do because our friends are right here standing next to us, watching the things happen in our lives in such a tangible way. What we often forget is that God, too, is standing right next to us already knowing what's going to happen and what needs to be done to take care of it.

Friends are going to come and go. They're going to be on your side one day, and against you the next. They may answer your text messages for awhile, but there will come a time when they are going to get caught up in the craziness of their own lives that they won't be as available to you. God never leaves, He's walking with us always. He is always on our side and is fighting constantly for our lives. Every little prayer we send His way gets a reply, no matter what time of day it is or how many He's receiving at once.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have friends. Rather, we should have a relationship with God so strong that our friends are just an added bonus.

Fear and Apprehension = Pure Exhaustion

I've been realizing more and more lately how important it is to be constantly feeding on the things of the Spirit. I find myself in conversations where my flesh is very pleased to continue in the direction it is naturally heading, but at the same time, I am seeing infinite opportunities to turn it toward my Lord and Savior. Coming away from those conversations leaves me thinking a lot, especially when I choose to let them go where they will.

I am seeing, though, that God is giving me so many chances to be a light for Him in a place of darkness. One friend in particular tends to almost beg for God to be brought into the conversation but won't do it herself because she's not confident in her relationship with Him. I understand exactly where she is coming from and have been in that place so many times before. It can be so hard to open our flesh up to the things God desires because sometimes they aren't anything like what our flesh wants to have.

Another friend of mine has been really instrumental in challenging me to find God every single day whether I want to or not, and I have seen how the fruit of that time in seeking Christ really does spread. I get so excited about the things that God shares with me during my time with Him that it excites me to share it - which is why it's so annoying when my flesh overrules and makes it so hard, almost painful, to spend that time with God. Maybe, in reality, it's a fear of how He's going to react to our coming back and asking for a new start. But I've come to learn that fear is a lack of faith, often a result of pure exhaustion and being overwhelmed by trying to do it all ourselves.

But God desires us to be in close relationship with Him all the time. He doesn't change His mind based on what we've done that day or the desires we have. He is all the same and desires the same from us. We are His, He is with us, and we are precious and loved by Him, all the time, no matter what (Isaiah 43:1-4).

So, I guess we're left with two choices. #1 - push through, work harder, see what we can do/figure out = pure exhaustion; or #2 - rely on God and see what He can do, even when it's hard or scary to lose our sense of control = joy and strength.

My encouragement for you is that you would be purposeful about finding time to spend with God. Push aside your fears or apprehensions about going back to Him or having to ignore the fleshly desires that are so much easier to please. And don't go it alone. Things can be really tough sometimes. I get that more than most of you would ever understand. But find someone who can be an encouragement to you, who is going through the same thing you are, and work together to find God in your situations. He loves you and wants you to be with Him every second of the day.

Backstage Pass

Last night I had one of the best experiences of my entire life. I got to meet the music group that I have always wanted to meet. In fact, I’m pretty positive that I am their biggest fan of all time! The group is called BarlowGirl. They are a group of three sisters (with the last name Barlow – go figure!) in their twenties that are Christian rock singer/songwriters. They are from Chicago and their dad is a music pastor. Something I love about them, besides their completely genuine and authentic personalities, is their intense sarcasm. They banter and joke through most of their show and can make literally anyone laugh so hard their stomach hurts. I have been a fan of the girls and their music since they first came out when I was in middle school. You could say I was one of those to “discover” them, I guess. It has always been a dream of mine to meet them and tell them what a huge positive impact their music has had in my life, and last night I got to do that!

For my mom’s birthday (she’s their 2^nd biggest fan), we bought VIP tickets for their show at a church in Forest Lake, MN. My mom, my sister, my roommate, and I all went together. We made red fan t-shirts (with glitter!!!) and sat in the center 2^nd row, close enough to touch them! Before the concert we got to do a meet and greet, asking them any questions we wanted to and had a group picture taken with them. We became known as “the girls with the shirts,” and they even pointed us out to everybody else at the concert.

There were two headliners that were ok, but when BarlowGirl finally came on to do their acoustic set, I was thrilled! I was amazed at how the songs, even though done acoustically instead of as rock, sounded so much like the album version. The girls are absolutely stunning when they perform live – you can tell they really love what they do. They have an incredible ability to harmonize and blend with each other almost as if there is one voice singing three parts. They took time to joke around, but also to be serious about their message of hope in Jesus Christ. The whole night was just very real and intimate. They shared some of the things that are going on in their lives and encouraged us in some of the things we have going on in ours. They played a couple of Christmas songs and a new song they just wrote, but mostly they stuck to their well-known songs that very much embody their hearts of worship toward God. They played all of my absolute favorites which made it really fun to sing along. It was a really powerful night and I am so blessed to have been there to experience it.

At the end of the concert we got to have them sign the back of our shirts and talk with them for a little while. We told them how it was my mom’s birthday and about the cake I had made her (which they said we should have brought to share). I was so giddy after talking to them and having them sign my shirt that I wanted my mom to keep taking pictures of my sister, my roommate and me in our awesome, now highly valuable t-shirts. I said I wasn’t going to take it off and would just wear it to school on Monday; but I thought better of it and decided it needed to be kept from any potential harm. My infinitely valuable (to me anyway) autographed t-shirt is now safely tucked into my duffle bag to go back home with me so that it never loses its simple amazingness!

The night of December 4, 2011, I got to meet the three girls who have been the biggest inspiration and God’s tool in my life to build my faith and trust in Him. There is absolutely nothing like being able to share with someone the kind of impact they are making on your life and the lives of so many others that surround you. And that, basically, is how one of the single best nights of my life went down.

Yet Again

You know what's kind of funny in a not-so-funny way? The fact that God has to continually prove His faithfulness to us not matter how many times He already has. This week was one of those times for me that, because of the circumstances I was facing, I chose not to remember the benefits I have in Him (Psalm 103) that He has proven to me countless times. I was faced with the reality that I'm not really that much different from the Israelites in the way they lived their lives.

Throughout the entire Old Testament we see a pattern of the Israelites following God as if their lives depended on it and then falling away and even worshipping other gods, much like some of us do today. It's not something I'm proud of, but I would say I probably have a pretty "Israelite" pattern of living in my own life, and it frustrates me that it's so easy to fall away from what I know to be true. I tend to be a pretty stubborn person, and when I make up my mind one way, it's quite a challenge to get me to do things someone else's way. I also like to be in control, which means the idea of giving complete control of my life to Someone else is one of the scariest things imaginable. But what is even scarier is seeing how NOT trusting God with my life ends up in such utter terror and dispair.

Something I found encouraging the other day was a passage from Hebrews 10:19-11. A close friend of mine read it with me after some pretty intense circumstances arose and I marveled at how it listed out the fathers of my faith from the Old Testament who lived their entire lives known for their faith in God. I had this little lingering thought that having my name known for centuries after my death because I had such utter faith in God would be probably the biggest privilege and honor I was ever allowed to have. It occurred to me that they had this thing figured out - there was nothing in this world that was going to separate them from the promises of God, and they were stinkin sure of that! The model of the lives of men like King David, Joshua, Abraham, Moses, Noah, and Isaiah are laid out right in front of us along side God's instructions for how to live a life of faith that is pleasing to Him. He makes it so plain for us, and just to have us ignore it and decide we've got it handled on our own.

Well, I can tell ya folks, that I certainly do not have it handled on my own and He is standing there just waiting for me to run to Him and let Him be my strength when I am too weak to stand and fight. And He has surrounded me with an entire army of fighters that act as His strength in my life as well. The thought of this puts me in such perfect peace and I know that with their help I can live by my life verse:
You keep me in perfect peace because my mind is stayed on You and I trust in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3

I'm Back - Please Read to the End

I had a reader ask me yesterday in a fairly intense conversation why I quit blogging. She told me she missed reading my uplifting and inspiring posts and seeing the love of God shining through the text of my page. I had to take a step back and really think about that. I see the views-counter all the time of how many people have been on my page, but the lack of comments and not knowing if people were even actually reading what I was saying made it hard for me to continue. What if I was spending all this time on these posts and no one even cared about what I was writing?

I'd have to say I fell into a rut, in more ways than one: dealing with some personal stuff, handling the stress of college life, and actually losing a good amount of inspiration to even continue writing. Even the pressures of performance, something I've struggled with since I was very young, trying to live up to what I perceive others expect from me and thinking that if I don't get a tangible response I'm not performing well. But I realized today how much I miss my writing, how calming, almost therapeutic, it is for me, and that I'm actually pretty good at it whether people compliment me on it or not. I realized that I can write just for ME and not make it about what other people want to hear. There are things God wants to show me through my time in His Word and journaling and writing with and to Him that are important for ME to have, not just to share with all of you.

So to sum all this up, basically, I'm back. And it may not be as regular as before, but I can promise it will not be months in between each of my posts. And things may get a bit more personal, and I hope that you all are ok with that because it is what matters to me. Being a human means that we experience pain, weakness, joys, successes, and so many other things. I am just as human as all of you and I have prepared myself to become more vulnerable with the people who can experience God through my experiences.

I pray you all experience Him today in a tangible and meaninful way that is unforgettable to you. I'd love to hear about it! Leave comments below with prayer requests or what has been going on in your day so we can all share in each other's joys and sorrows, rejoicing with God when He rejoices, and thanking Him when He gives us moments of teaching and correciton.

Who Am I Doing This For?

I reread some of my journals last night from this past spring and summer, starting around April and continuing on to about August, where I knew I had to stop. It wasn't because they were hard to read or dug up painful memories that I stopped, rather they made me realize something about myself: so much of the time, especially when I'm writing my blog or having a quiet time with a friend, I consider what I say based on how it will benefit them, as if it has already done its work for me. I find myself doing my Bible study or personal quiet time in such a way that it's as if I'm just looking for what I can share with others. Granted, I still get a lot out of my time in the Word, but instead of being focused on how it applies best to my life, I often find myself focused on how I can best word it in my next blog post to share it in a way that's relevant to the reader. But when I journal with no intentions of sharing my writing, God truly comes and it's as if I'm pouring my whole heart out to Him; and throughout the writing you can find a definite place where God does the necessary work in my heart and my writing is transformed from selfish, full of problems, pitiful little girl to young woman of the Most High who knows who she is in the eyes of her Creator.

Realizing this really impacted me because I recognized that God's first goal in sharing things with me is for me to come to know Him and experience life His way. Sharing this knowledge and experience comes later. God has designed these messages for me and rather than taking what He is laying before me and holding tight to the part that He has chosen for me, I pick it all up and give it all away, leaving me empty-handed but feeling as if I accomplished something really worthwhile.

Now, it's all well and good to share what God has given you to share; but when you don't take anything for yourself and give it all away, you become burnt out and eventually are useless until you get refueled. It's like an old-fashioned oil lamp that can't burn anymore once it's empty of oil. This is the point where you have to make it a point to be refueling everyday to ensure you have what you need for the day. Taking time to yourself and not sharing what God is giving you sometimes is not being selfish or stingy. It is simply recognizing that every relationship requires equal give and take, and there are boundaries that say when enough has been taken without you being given anything more to work with.

I believe that this is something I need to discover with my blogging. As an example of the difference it can make, my journals for God and myself have a deep, raw, penetrative and truly beautiful writing about them. My blogs are good, too, but only the "journal" style blog posts are really all that. The rest of my blogs lack the luster they need to be truly captivating. But if I focus my time in the Word on God and what He wants to share with me, just like my journal, my blog posts will gain the richness and beauty that they deserve to possess. I hope that through their relevance to my life they will be exactly what a certain reader needed to see that day, therefore, inspired by God rather than the "notions of Kelly." I pray you recieve what the Lord has prepared for you today and would love to hear about what He's doing in your life in the comments below!

Lessons from a Dolphin

I am constantly amazed at how God uses such simple things in our everyday lives to prove that He is just here for us, no matter what. Last night I decided to brave my not feeling so great to go out with friends to the Falls Theater downtown River Falls to see Dolphin Tale. Who knew that a thing as simple as a children's movie meant purely for entertainment could have so much packed into it?

First, the movie's main character is an 11 year old boy, Sawyer, who has no friends, does poorly in school, and who has lost his father. The incredible way the screenwriters use this background in the plot has so much meaning to it. This boy is positioned for failure, living a hopeless life everyday, until he finds a dolphin (Winter) on the beach and gets to be involved in its rehabilitation. The transformation that takes place in this boy as he opens up to the dolphin is almost unbelievable. All of the sudden he is pouring his whole life into helping this animal recover. It gave him something to have hope for, a purpose for waking up everyday. What's more astonishing is how much Sawyer learns about himself during this process.

This kind of reminds me of the way God puts certain things - events, people, etc. - inot our lives to help us to become all He wants us to be. In this case, Sawyer found purpose to his life by helping Winter, and then helped Winter to help other people, like his cousin Kyle. Through all of this, Sawyer never gave up on Winter or on himself - he always believed she would get better. How many of us can say that we aren't going to give up when hard times come? And how many that say that actually follow through? A lot of times people just want to lay down and let the waves of life crash over them while they slowly drown. These challenges are put into our lives to make us stronger and help us to become the people God meant for us to be.

Another thing about Winter is that she never gave up on Sawyer. She has a way of communicating with him and got him to understand her, the same way that God figures out ways to comunicate with us. Winter helped Sawyer to feel and to experience the love that he was never able to find with anyone or anything else. God loves us the same way - like no other man or creature ever could. Through learning to love Winter, Sawyer learned to love those around him, especially his family, despite all the pain he had felt from them over the years. A big theme of this movie was that "family is forever." Sawyer discovered this with his own family and Winter. God wants us to discover the "foreverness"of His family. He wants us to experience His love and to allow that love to teach us how we should love others.

Lastly, this movie depicted the utter beauty and creativity of God. Through the opening scenes of the dolphins swimming in the ocean, we see God's splendor and majesty. Throughout the movie we see a glimpse of God's sense of humor as a part of Winter's personality. We see how God has created us to have relationships with animals, with each other, and with God, and how God uses those relationships in our own personal growth.

Besides this being a wonderful movie anyway, this movie blessed me because it gave subtle depictions of God's majesty, creativity and sovereignty. From that perspective, I would say it's definitely a movie to see, and also an opportunity to take a look at your own passions and give them new life again, all while witnessing some of God's greatest creativity and glory in action!

Burning Love - Topics on the Love of the Father

"Love burns bright enough to compel us, but hot enough to keep us humble." from "Finding Yourself in 'Love'" by Myles Werntz

There is something about love that draws us toward it. It causes us to do things we wouldn't otherwise do and encourages us to pursue it; but love also has a refining quality aobut it, meant to burn away our imperfections and make us our best. This quality leads us to finding humility because we realize that our best would not be present without a little bit of pain to draw it out of us.

Love is something that completes our human existance, makes us feel needed, and gives us an expression of the need we have for another person. It makes us feel esteem for ourselves and others. This craving for love that all humankind experiences is something that God designed within each one of us with the purpose of creating meaningful relationships with others and Himself. God has ways of fulfiling this craving with His own love and by placing people in our lives that show us His love in their own way.

What are three crazy things that love has compelled you to do? Leave your answers in the comment section!

1. Spend an entire evening talking to 2 International Students about everything from the American tradition of s'mores around the campfire to the most intricate details of our lives as Christians. This was such an encouraging experience for me and I learned first-hand how simple the love of God is.
2. Becoming involved as a leader on campus through the Freshman Orientation Program here at UW-River Falls. Not only did I get to impact a group of students new to campus as we spent three days together, but my relationships with them and the other orientation leaers continue to grow in the love of Christ as we discover more about each other and our own faith.
3. Stay out of a dating relationship out of love and respect to the man, myself, and both of our relationships with God. I know that dating is a huge part of the American culture, but I have chosen to wait until God leads me into my one and only relationship because I know His timing is perfect and His love will sustain me as I wait patiently on Him. I have chosen this path because I believe that God should be the center of any relationship I have, but especially a romantic one, so I want both of our hearts to be prepared by God and our relationships to be solid in Him before we begin our lives together.

Loving shapes our entire purpose because it is how we can universally communicate who God is and His love for us to anyone and everyone. As I prepare to work in the mental health field, love is becoming something I value more than anything else. It goes a long way in a patient's treatment. Being loved brings self-esteem and a lot of encouragement, knowing there is someone behind you all the time to support you no matter what. God's love in my life and it's ability to work through me is what gives me the confidence to follow what God has planned for my life.

My Spirit is Sick

This morning the Lord was telling me His take on why I wasn’t feeling so up to par this week. It was one of those weeks where you just don’t feel like doing anything, nothing really gets you motivated, and (oh no, don’t say it!) you don’t even really care to spend time with God. I was definitely feeling down and I really didn’t have much of a good reason, but then God got my attention and shared this with me:
       My Spirit is sick and I had made it this way by filling my mind and heart with things not of God. That is why I felt such a longing for Him at the beginning of the week – my Spirit knew what it needed to get itself back to health. God equated it to when my physical body gets sick. The first day you’re sick, you know it – you feel way worse that day than most of the rest and you tend to “milk it” a lot more that first day out. Then, the next couple of days you start coming to accept that you are indeed sick and start sort of nursing yourself back to health, or dealing with it at least. You self-medicate or go to the doctor – the natural way of dealing with it. Then you just let your body rest and heal without asking too much of it.

The same goes for when your spirit is sick – the first day you feel miserable. You might be depressed, tired, crabby or down and things just seem like they’re not quite right. You may decide to just wallow in it, or you may decide to take action early. The second day you start to accept it, but here is where it can get quite dangerous. If you let it just keep going here, the sickness is just going to get worse and worse; but if you take action now you will get it under control.

So how do you take action? Spending time in the Word, praying, being in the presence of God (especially when you don’t feel like being there) is the best way for us to do our part in the natural. Then God joins us with His supernatural power (like His healing for our natural bodies) and He takes care of the rest and gets our spirit back to health and in shape to do His work.

I would urge you that if you are feeling this way, find time to spend with God and really let Him into your heart to heal the broken places. If you don’t think you can do this by yourself, find a close friend who is a strong Christian, a leader/pastor in your church, or email us and we’ll help you connect with someone or with us. Having another person helping you and encouraging you in your walk with God is fundamental to your success as a Christian. God loves you and He wants your spirit to be healthy so that you can share His love with everyone around you!

To Just Be

Right now I just really want to curl up in my Daddy's arms and feel the warmth and comfort of His sweet embrace. I want to just be there, Him holding me, the two of us alone where I know nothing can happen to me, no one can take away what I feel, and all is perfect with the world because my Daddy is holding me in His arms. I want to become like a little girl again when I knew that nothing I could do was by my own strength, whend I did not yet understand what pride was and had too much of it to ask for help. I want to become like a little girl again in knowing that nothing that happens can take away the feelings - the love - between my Daddy and me, and that whenever I am feeling down or tired or just want to be, I can come sit in His lap and He will just hold me, whisper in my ear, kiss my face, rub my back, and remind me of just how much He loves every ounce of my being. That is where I want to be right now. I long for it so much that I can hardly wait until I can get to my place alone and just be with Him in whatever way it pleases Him to be with me.

"Well, He is! Can't you see Him?"

My very best friend told me today that she loves that when I talk about God, I talk about Him as if He is right there next to me, talking to me like anyone else would. When she said that I responded somewhat cynically saying, "Well, He is! Can't you see Him?" I poitned to the empty seat to the right of me at our table. As I said it jokingly, I realized how true it is - I really do feel as if He is literally with me all the time. My friend went on to ask how I could know and feel with such confidence, and it took me a little while to describe it. I answered her in the best way I could, even though it's not something you can really understand until you've experienced it for yourself. As best as I could, I explained that it had taken a long time for me to get here; I definitely don't feel like I have arrived. For a more tangible example, I told her how I view God as if He's a real, tangible being instead of this far, out-there, untouchable Someone who we have to treat as this Lord over us all the time. I don't mean that we can disrespect Him and treat Him as if He is no different from us, but He does want us to be real with Him, show our raw emotions, even if it may mean yelling at Him or arguing with Him. As much as God is my Lord and I worship Him, He is also my Heavenly Father and the Lover who has caputured my heart so that it cannot escape. He desires my touch as much as I desire His, and He is so jealous for my heart. He wants all of me and I want nothing more than for Him to have all of me. That's a really hard thing to do sometimes - give your entire self over to God's control and have that kind of trust - but it's also something that is meant to take time.

Trust is a process. Some people are more quick to trust than others, but all in all, no one trusts someone completely the instant they meet them. In fact, more often than not that trust takes years to get ot that level of trusting someone with one's life, giving them complete control. Over the years of knowing God, it started out as a lot of talk with most of the action stemming from following the lead and expectations of others; but the more you say and act one way the more you start to believe that way, and the more you believe the more you start to really feel that way passionately. As I've spent my time discovering who God is the more I desire to know Him and feel Him close to me. It's similar to when you find that one person who is meant to be with you forever (not that I've experienced that yet, but this is how my friend explained it). As you first met that person you may have felt drawn to them or you "liked" them. Now as you've spent the time to really get to know them you start wanting to know them more. That is how I have come to feel this way about God. I kind of feel like the psalmist David in my pursuit for God's constant presence in my life.

There are many times that I feel God very tangibly. I've learned to distinguish His voice from all the rest and I have experienced Him walking right by my side and even taking my hand in His as we walk together. It's a little bit like God takes me on dates as a means of helping me get to know Him more.

Back to my comment of God being right next to me. Can't she see Him? Well, naturally, the answer is no; but think about that for a second. It's always said that Christians will be known by their love. So isn't it natural (or rather supernatural) to expect that she really can see His love in me so much that it is as if He is sitting right there?

Thankful for Suffering

Over time I am becoming more and more thankful for the suffering God has allowed me to endure because anytime I am suffering I have learned to stay strong in my faith in God. All the trials I have experienced have led me to a stronger faith in God and a closer relationship with Him. If I had not experienced the things I did, I would not have had the kind of faith in God that I do and I may not even be able to be used by Him for his glory in the way He so desires. My passion and longing and love for my Heavenly Father would maybe not be nearly as strong had I not experienced the need of it to sustain my own life.
Christ's body is my bread of life and His blood is what brings life to my spirit. I live by the nourishment that He alone can bring. Because I have experienced the fulfillment of what His nourishment can do in my body and spirit and soul, I long for Him and nothing else. My desires are slowly becoming what He desires for me; I am being transformed by the renewal of my mind and my desire for the things of the spirit. I am seeing a change in me and consequently in my life because God has been allowed to work on the parts of my life that require His careful hand.