How hard are you on yourself? Ever thought about it before? Are the things you count as failures really failures, or are they just something you've done (or failed to do) that you've blown out of proportion?
I tend to be VERY hard on myself - so much so that I have friends tell me I need to cut myself some slack. Sometimes I agree with them, but most of the time I just push myself harder, as if to prove to them I can take as much as I care to dole out to myself. But what happens when the pressure you put on yourself starts to turn into something more like self-punishment? At what point do we need to say enough is enough, give yourself a little grace, and take things in stride?
At church this morning the pastor talked about being content in who you are and not comparing yourself to other people; but for the majority of the message I was thinking not of the other people I compare myself to, but the standards to which I compare myself. I have (finally) started to establish a sense of self-worth when it comes to being me and not being jealous of someone else's life, experiences, etc. but I have been noticing, especially in the last few days, that instead, I look at all my failures and shortcomings based on my own standards and start beating myself up for it.
Here's an example: This week I started a riding class that I was SO looking forward to after a whole summer of training in dressage and basic jumping. I even had people who had taken the class before tell me how much they loved it and that I would love it, too. Not so once the class actually started. I had a terrible first ride and was told very clearly by the instructor that nothing the horse did during our ride was because of the horse's misbehavior. He had actually done everything I had told him too, whether I realized I was telling him to do it or not. Well, I left feeling pretty darn defeated because I've been riding for years and I do work really hard in my lessons and practice rides. Here's the thing: my instructor was not being mean - he was merely telling me to relax. I was the one telling myself that I had failed, and it was partially because of how the ride had looked to the other girls in the class. Not to mention that I was essentially told the same thing by my trainer when I went for my lesson on Dream yesterday. Rather than thinking back through everything that had happened and figuring out how it could have been done differently, I beat myself up for it. I told myself I had wasted all this time and money on a sport that I'll never learn, that no matter how many hours I spend in the saddle I'll never improve, and I even told my mom I was ready to give up riding for good (not that she bought that for a second, but she's supportive no matter what I choose to do).
It took a night of sleeping on it, getting away from the barn, and taking a broader look at the whole situation. Turns out that my riding wasn't the only thing I had been beating myself up for - and none of it was fair at all. I came to the conclusion that a lot of the "problems" I've been facing lately have been a simple matter of not giving myself enough grace - room to make mistakes. Instead I was literally punishing myself for things in an effort to regain control and keep myself in check because no one else is here to do it; but what I was doing was in no way fair, healthy, or justified.
What it comes down to is this: I am my own biggest enemy, but I am also my own biggest motivator. The difference is that the motivation has to be bigger than the punishment and appropriate to the situation. If I can't love myself, give myself a little grace, and let things go, how will I ever be able to do the same for another person that God places in my care?
So back to the questions I asked before. Do you judge yourself a little too harshly? Or do you allow yourself room to make mistakes? I'm not saying to throw all things to the wind and give up caring, but there is a difference between caring about your success and failures and caring about YOURSELF. And one more thing - instead of working for myself (or others), I should be working for God and His kingdom (
1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
