There's Only Grace Now

I am absolutely loving what I'm doing. A couple of months ago I probably would have said something more like, "What did I get myself into?" Or, "Alright, that's it, I'm moving home to be a kid forever!" (Ok, I still have both of these thoughts on occasion, but now I know deep down I'm really just kidding.)

When I first moved to Winona Lake, I went through that honeymoon period. Everything was so new and exciting. I was living in the apartment I had had dreams about since signing the lease. I was connecting with people in my program cohort. Things were so great. But then in the thick of learning all things counseling, I hit that regret and confusion phase that every grad student does. Am I really supposed to be here? Is counseling really what I want to do? Am I always going to be this bad at counseling? I seriously lost track of how many times I contemplated dropping the program, how many times I called my mom and said I couldn't do this. But I pushed through, and here I am, knowing what my passion is and so excited that I have the chance to live it!

This sort of passion and perseverance is exactly what the devil wants to stop in our lives. And he knows exactly what he needs to do to each of us individually to stop God's plan in our lives. For me, it is making me feel isolated. Even when I'm surrounded by people and even have a few express their care for me, if I'm not on my guard, I can have thoughts slipping in that tell me I'm all alone in the world, nobody cares, and people aren't here for me when I need them. But I know good and well that's not true at all.

In the recent weeks of finishing my first year of grad school, I have been faced with this isolation a lot. Friendships have grown apart, stress has been overwhelming, and life has been plain exhausting. But there has been one place of solace, One person who has stuck it out, and the only thing to bring peace when peace is the most senseless thing to be had. I find myself taking on humility on a new level, recognizing that my own strength will not lead me to over come; I am only sufficient when I am in Him, and His strength is made perfect when I am at my weakest. I have felt more love, more purpose, more intimacy with Christ in these last weeks than I have in almost all the time since moving here. I recognize areas where I still need to grow and that will stretch me thin until I’ve been made complete; but in this moment, there is only grace now, and grace is all I need.

It's Not a Competition

This weekend I was challenged with the fact of competition. The constant internal dialogue that goes through my mind comparing my life with the lives of others. The reality of how often I do the full once-over of all the other women in the room and think to myself "I bet she's never been through what I have" or "Thank God I'm smaller than her." Yeah, those sickening words run through more heads than just mine if anyone else is ever being honest. I thought about how often I think, "If only they could understand the stuff that has happened to make me the way I am" or "She's got it so easy compared to me" and realized that over the years, my past has been a sort of badge of honor for me. Like the more bad stuff that I can pinpoint that has happened to me, the better person I am now for it.

For example, when I share my testimony of God's faithfulness in my life, a lot of times my experiences with depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. come up. This weekend, when I was asked by a new friend what my story is, I was super convicted about how much of my past I share with some people. See, there's a huge difference between using simple details of your past to show how God brought you into new light in Him, and giving details that make people feel sorry for you, worry about you, or give you attention. That second one is, without a doubt, a form of pride, and not a healthy kind of pride. When I share my testimony, is it about what God did or about all the junk I suffered because of my disobedience?

It is likely that all of my readers have heard "Let It Go" from the Disney movie "Frozen." One of the lyrics in the song is "the past is in the past" and I don't think we quite understand how important that is in our Christian lives. Paul tells us in Philippians 3:13 to forget what is behind and press on toward what is ahead, toward the high calling of God. So then, our testimony is not so much about the past that God pulled us from, but rather more about how we are pressing into His calling on our life NOW. Rather than saying "I dealt with this for such and such years and was so depressed I wanted to die" and drawing people's attention to our suffering, we should be turning people's heads toward the hope and faithfulness of God's promises.

This doesn't mean to discount our sufferings or make ourselves unrelatable to those who need to hear of Christ's redeeming power in our lives. Paul also said we should glory in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character and hope. But immediately before that, Paul tells us to rejoice (boast) in the glory of GOD and the grace that provides us with faith and a relationship with Him. In our sharing of what Christ has done in our lives, the ultimate redeeming story is the part where we show others how His grace can set THEM free.

My challenge to you is to leave the past in the past. Yes, it is always good to learn from our mistakes and see the ways that God has changed our lives. But it is more damaging to us and others when we bring up all the stuff we've been through merely for the competition factor of who's dirty past is the worst. When we do that, we are bringing glory to the suffering and building our pride rather than turning heads to the One who has taken our suffering and turned it into joy!

An oldie, but oh so good!!

Lesson 8: Healthy Boundaries

Something that anyone should learn early on in life is how to have relationships with healthy boundaries - whether it is with friends, teachers, coworkers, a boss, parents, or romantically. As soon as boundaries are crossed it is very hard to go back to the way things were. This goes for boundaries of trust, love, intimacy, anything. Over the past year I have definitely learned in many ways what this looks like.

Friends: I used to be someone very slow to trust, and I tend to still be that way; but when I meet someone who I just "click" with, it is easy for me to abandon all sense of caution and share deep parts of my heart with them. Sometimes that works out just fine, and other times it ends in utter chaos. One thing that I would say I've started "requiring" in my friends before I willingly share things with them is that we are on the same page spiritually. If we are both living our lives with God as center and defined by grace, I find it is much easier for both of us to keep the relationship on a healthy level. This also goes for the receiving end. If you have a friend that tends to share every aspect of their life with you and it is too much for you to take on or you feel as though you are carrying too much of their burden, you need to tell them! Take the time to sort through the boundaries in your friendship and make sure they are healthy and workable for both of you. If you tend to be that clingy or over-sharing person, ask you friend to tell you if it gets to be too much or if they need a break. Communication is vital. This should also be the starting point for any romantic relationship, except that physical boundaries should also be discussed right away.

Family: It can be hard to establish boundaries with family because they tend to know your best and worst, and often are the cause for both. If you are an adult, though, it is time to make sure the boundaries set between you and your parents are good for both sides - the parents are always going to love and care about you and it will be hard for them to "let go" as you get older and stop telling them so much about your life. Give them some grace. Do your best not to lose it on them if they ask where you've been - instead tell them nicely but ask them in the most loving way possible if you can have a little space within reason. Don't just strip them of everything they've ever known all at once. If you have siblings, you will most likely start seeing your relationships with them become more like friendships, especially if you aren't living at home anymore, but they will always be your siblings, so don't expect the rivalry to go away completely :)

Others: In more formal relationships or with those people you don't grow as close to, remember to keep them on a level of acquaintance. If you tend to wear your feelings on your sleeve or share your problems with anyone who will listen, you will need to work at keeping those boundaries up. That's what your close friends are for. Ease into those relationships and maybe they'll lead to friendships; but jump in head first and you may just find yourself gasping for air and wondering how you can end that particular relationship.

Don't forget: ³³ Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

I found this out the hard way with several friendships I had during my first couple years of college. Unfortunately I shared too much with a couple of these friends and it was too late by then. Thankfully, I was able to find a way to break off these unhealthy relationships and rebuild the others with healthy boundaries. I wish, though, that I had been more sensible in the beginning with choosing where I set my boundaries with those individuals.

Closer Than You Think

We've all felt the distance between us and God before, and I'm sure at some point every one of us has mumbled the phrase "He feels so far away right now" or something to that extent. Have you ever thought about exactly what that means or how things came to be that way? Maybe you have and you never really did figure out what caused it.

First, you have to understand the message of God's grace - a promise of grace is made to us in the Word over and over again, and alongside grace comes a whole slew of other promises: peace, mercy, rest, redemption - it's all right here waiting for us. But most of us choose (whether we realize it or not) to ignore it and keep on living life the way everyone else does.

Second, when God says He'll never leave you or forsake you, He's not just saying nice things - this is a promise! He also makes it clear that there is absolutely nothing that can separate you from His love, which means that once you have found His love, you can never ever lose it. Between these two promises, there is no possible way to be distant from God unless you, yourself, are the problem. God doesn't distance Himself from us; we distance ourselves from Him.

Think about this: how many times have you had a little voice trying to get your attention, and you've known it was God, and you pushed it away for whatever reason? How about those times when you've had a thought from the enemy come in, and rather than answering to it with God's Word, you continue to feed it until it overwhelms your spirit? What if God was your very best earthly friend - if you continued to push them away, how long would it take for them to begin feeling distant from you? But you can't blame that on them - that is ALL YOU!

Most of us can bring up a specific time in our lives that we have felt that distance from God, perhaps like He left you stranded high and dry in the middle of the worst desert of your life. But if what we just determined about God never leaving us is true, then isn't it, instead, us leaving Him in the middle of the desert, saying we can do this on our own? How do we find our way back to letting Him lead us through the desert instead of wandering in the dust and sand by ourselves?

Take a look at Psalm 42. The writer of this Psalm is in exile, most likely removed from the land of Jordan (The Promised Land). There are four things that the Psalmist does to remind himself of God's nearness. Set aside some time to go through these steps yourself:

• Acknowledge the places you've been putting your hope rather than in God. In verses 5 and 11, the writer tells his soul to put its "hope in God" and acknowledges that his soul has been looking elsewhere for hope.
• Talk to God about it - tell Him your feelings, your failures, everything, and repent. In verses 1-4, the writer is expressing everything he is feeling, not holding back, knowing that all he is has already been made exposed to God. In verse 6 he says directly to God that he is feeling down and out.
• Take some time to list and remember all the ways God has worked in your life. Continuing in verse 6 through verse 8, the writer begins to list the different situations where God has come through for him, both in the closeness of their relationship (verse 4) and in the times where He allowed catastrophe (verse 7).
• Recommit your hope to Him and PRAISE Him! In verse 11, the writer gives again the command to his soul to put its hope in God. This command continues on in Psalm 43, a continuation of this prayer.

For further reading and study: Hebrews 3-4 (NIV) talks about the importance of staying near to God and the blessings of rest that come from our obedience in that. (See labels below for more references)

Contentment and Self-Punishment: I am my biggest enemy

How hard are you on yourself? Ever thought about it before? Are the things you count as failures really failures, or are they just something you've done (or failed to do) that you've blown out of proportion?

I tend to be VERY hard on myself - so much so that I have friends tell me I need to cut myself some slack. Sometimes I agree with them, but most of the time I just push myself harder, as if to prove to them I can take as much as I care to dole out to myself. But what happens when the pressure you put on yourself starts to turn into something more like self-punishment? At what point do we need to say enough is enough, give yourself a little grace, and take things in stride?

At church this morning the pastor talked about being content in who you are and not comparing yourself to other people; but for the majority of the message I was thinking not of the other people I compare myself to, but the standards to which I compare myself. I have (finally) started to establish a sense of self-worth when it comes to being me and not being jealous of someone else's life, experiences, etc. but I have been noticing, especially in the last few days, that instead, I look at all my failures and shortcomings based on my own standards and start beating myself up for it.

Here's an example: This week I started a riding class that I was SO looking forward to after a whole summer of training in dressage and basic jumping. I even had people who had taken the class before tell me how much they loved it and that I would love it, too. Not so once the class actually started. I had a terrible first ride and was told very clearly by the instructor that nothing the horse did during our ride was because of the horse's misbehavior. He had actually done everything I had told him too, whether I realized I was telling him to do it or not. Well, I left feeling pretty darn defeated because I've been riding for years and I do work really hard in my lessons and practice rides. Here's the thing: my instructor was not being mean - he was merely telling me to relax. I was the one telling myself that I had failed, and it was partially because of how the ride had looked to the other girls in the class. Not to mention that I was essentially told the same thing by my trainer when I went for my lesson on Dream yesterday. Rather than thinking back through everything that had happened and figuring out how it could have been done differently, I beat myself up for it. I told myself I had wasted all this time and money on a sport that I'll never learn, that no matter how many hours I spend in the saddle I'll never improve, and I even told my mom I was ready to give up riding for good (not that she bought that for a second, but she's supportive no matter what I choose to do).

It took a night of sleeping on it, getting away from the barn, and taking a broader look at the whole situation. Turns out that my riding wasn't the only thing I had been beating myself up for - and none of it was fair at all. I came to the conclusion that a lot of the "problems" I've been facing lately have been a simple matter of not giving myself enough grace - room to make mistakes. Instead I was literally punishing myself for things in an effort to regain control and keep myself in check because no one else is here to do it; but what I was doing was in no way fair, healthy, or justified.

What it comes down to is this: I am my own biggest enemy, but I am also my own biggest motivator. The difference is that the motivation has to be bigger than the punishment and appropriate to the situation. If I can't love myself, give myself a little grace, and let things go, how will I ever be able to do the same for another person that God places in my care?

So back to the questions I asked before. Do you judge yourself a little too harshly? Or do you allow yourself room to make mistakes? I'm not saying to throw all things to the wind and give up caring, but there is a difference between caring about your success and failures and caring about YOURSELF. And one more thing - instead of working for myself (or others), I should be working for God and His kingdom (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).