Lesson 12: God is the only place we find true freedom

For most of my life I've known the importance of having God involved in my everyday existence. It's not been until recently that I've started to take note of the difference between the days that I invite Him to be a part of my day and the days that I ignore or refuse His presence in my day. Someone asked me this past week why I would refuse to let Him in my day if those days result in so much joy and peace. When she put it that way, it made me think a little harder about why I don't always let Him in. Do I enjoy being miserable? That seems a little odd...

Part of recovering from depression is relearning what a normal day is supposed to look and feel like - it's strange to someone like me to have all joy and roses everyday! But that doesn't mean it's wrong to have all good days!! That's just one more part of God's blessing of abundant life on His people! On the days where I ask God to join me, be my strength and my stronghold through whatever the day brings, and use me in whatever ways He desires, those days are the ones that stick out in my memory as being the most meaningful and profitable. The ones where I focus on myself and my pain, or look only to my own strength are the ones that hold their place in my bad memories, the times that are dragged up and thrown in my face when the Devil is trying to get me down.

This concept goes for anyone - not just those who are dealing with depression or other attacks - literally for everyday living. I am making it my goal to be able to say that I can recognize where God has been involved in every part of my day and consciously invite Him to walk through it with me, whatever it may have in store. My first thought when I get out of bed should be thanking God that I am able to do so, and my last one before going to sleep should be thanking Him for the ways He used my life that day, and all of them in between should be asking for His help and thanking Him for His strength at all times. He does say to "pray continually" and that's exactly what we should be doing!

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.

Lesson 11: Practical ways to get out of a rut

Whether you experience depression or not, we all have days that make us feel as though we're "in a rut" or just feeling down. The worst part of feeling that way is when you feel like you can't get out of it. With depression, this kind of feeling can be the only way of life that someone knows. For the longest time, being in a rut was something I considered safe because I had never really known anything different. In reality, the rut isn't a safe place at all because once you're stuck there, your thoughts and feelings just take off with you and it can be really scary to see where you end up.

Over the last year I've learned a few ways to help work my way out of a rut - it's not instantaneous by any means. It takes patience and perseverence you get yourself up and out of those thoughts and feelings. It doesn't just happen because you've tried one thing or another. I've put together a list of some of the things I've found to help me and what I've heard from other people help them:

• Journaling - even if you're not usually one to keep a journal, having something where you can just write down phrases that come to mind or feelings you have throughout your day can help you process what all is going on. If you are an avid journaler, go at it! I sometimes have a contest against myself to see how many pages I can write that are positive versus those that are negative.
• Reading - if you're a student, this one may sound daunting, but try reading something you enjoy. Even if you don't like reading, if you find the right book, blog, etc. you may just find a new favorite pastime.
• Logic problems - no joke - those obnoxious things Mr. I. used to make us do in math actually serve a purpose!! When you have to focus so much thought toward something so complicated, it is really challenging to keep your focus on your problems. You'll also have great satisfaction from figuring it out!
• Exercise - now, don't go over the top with this one, but taking half an hour every other day to do something active like zumba, yoga, pilates, weight lifting, running, wall climbing, ice skating, swimming, dancing, or whatever you like to do will release endorphins (good feeling hormones) and keep you in shape. Plus, a physical challenge distracts you from your mental challenges as well.
• Crafting - not to sound too girly, but sitting down and creating something with your hands can be really relaxing. Knitting, crocheting, paper crafting, writing letters, etc. are great ways to keep your hands and mind busy. I like to pop in my favorite movies to play in the background while I'm working because then my thoughts really have to work to keep up.
• Spend time alone with God - this is the most important one of them all. No doubt it is not usually the first thing any of us want to do when we're feeling low, but it is the only thing that will truly get us up out of our rut. I've noticed that when I force myself to read the Bible, pray, or have time in worship, my attitude toward what it can do for me slowly changes. Like anything else, it's not instantaneous, but with patience and God's help, it works.

Lastly, I've found that if you have one or two friends that you can call on for support, it helps a lot with processing the thoughts and feelings that are going through us. Keep in mind, though, my post about healthy boundaries.

Your friends are the second place you go after you've already taken it to God.

Lesson 10: Treatment is something you have to do for yourself

Just like having faith in God is a personal issue, treatment is another one of those things that while you get support from those around you, it is ultimately up to you. I've been relearning this concept over and over again, and especially lately.

When I've been finding myself in low days or ruts, the defining moment of my day isn't the feelings I have throughout, but what I DO with those thoughts, feelings, and resulting actions. For example, I have the option of taking my thoughts captive, dwelling on my thoughts until they consume me, bringing God into the situation to ask for help, or finding as many friends to text as I can.

As much as I love my friends and all they do to support me, the responses I know will get me the best results are the ones where my focus is returned to God no matter what. This is really a struggle for me sometimes - I like to have attention on my problems because it gives me the sense that people care, so when I take it just to God and have no one to commiserate with, it is hard for me to really work things out. Part of that comes from the last lesson of pushing God away. It's a daily choice whether we will pick up our cross and follow Him, but that choice can change the entire course of our day.

And this brings me back to treatment (and faith) being our own personal issue. Here's the deal: yes, we are created to be relational and to share in one another's burdens. BUT that does NOT mean that we simply unload everything onto someone else and do nothing ourselves. It is good to have people that will pray for you and hold you accountable (even counselors do this), but when they replace God and your own efforts in your life, things start to spiral down very quickly until those relationships crash and burn.

If you have a support system like mine, you probably hear quite often that you need to take things to God, find time to be in the Word, pray, and ask for His help in choosing Him every day. And if you're like me, sometimes you cringe at those responses because you wanted someone to have a pity party with you. BUT in the end, those responses are exactly what you need to get yourself back in gear and get your focus back on God. Between you and Him, there is nothing (even treatment and recovery) that is impossible!!

Lesson 9: God doesn't walk away - you do

A lot of people facing depression feel like God has abandoned them, that He's the whole reason they're in this mess and there's no way He's still around to see them through. Here's the thing, Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” That's a promise! Something I have had to discover this year is that when I feel distant from God, it's not that He isn't there - it's that I have pushed Him to a distance. If you really think about it, when you are far from God, you usually first realize it because something (God Himself) is trying to pull you back to Him. A god who wants to be distant from you wouldn't be trying to bring you back to his side, but our God is always drawing us closer and closer to Him.

Something I've noticed in my own life is that I fall into the habit of relying on myself rather than putting my trust and faith in God - it's not that I don't trust or believe He can care for me, just that I can do it fine by myself. After awhile, the focus shifts away from Him and onto ourselves which leads us right down the path of focusing on our problems, our past, our pain, and none of the things God has blessed us with. It is so easy to go about our day without even acknowledging God's presence in it, but the reality is that He is in every single little part of it whether we recognize it or not.

How much better would every day be if we took the time to notice all the ways God is blessing us throughout our day and make a point of thanking Him for every single one? I know I have a hard time doing this, especially on my low days, but when I force myself to do it, I find that I just can't stop. It's true what people say - when you are focused on God and His blessings, it is impossible to be focused on yourself and your problems!

Lesson 7: You only get out of treatment what you put into it

When I first started treatment, it was almost out of desperation - I needed help and would take it from almost anywhere that could guarantee me I would be feeling better soon. I find this is the case with a lot of people I have talked to about their experiences with treatment. What a lot of people don't realize going into it is how hard treatment is going to be. It's not laying on a couch and just saying whatever comes to mind like we so often see portrayed in movies. In reality, you are asked to really think critically about situations you find yourself in, analyze your thoughts and feelings and where they come from, and often even get 'homework' of sorts that needs to be completed by the next session.

Now, all of this is also dictated by you. Yes, the therapist is going to give you things they want you to do, and they're going to ask questions and such; but ultimately, what you give them to work with determines how much help you can recieve from them. If you never want to say anything in your sessions, that's fine. It can take time to get to a place where you trust your therapist enough to talk openly with them. Just know that if you don't say anything, they don't know anything about your situation and can't help you as easily as they otherwise could. They also aren't going to force anything out of you - they make ask a lot of questions, but no one can get more information from you than you are willing to give. With this in mind, take the chance to test the waters a little bit - see how much you are able to handle sharing - instead of diving in all at once.

Ok, with the 'homework' mentioned before - don't get discouraged. It's not overwhelming and it's not even really an assignment. Think of it more as a part of your every day routine that is going to get you living healthy. Whether your therapist asks you to keep track of your mood at various times throughout the day, schedule yourself for a massage, journal, work out, or look into using a new medication, if you look at these things as ways to improve your overall health and well-being, they won't be a burden. Over time you'll start to see how all of these things not only become routine, but actually help you to process things better and get a better idea of how you live your life (and things that need to change).

Even if treatment so far has seemed hopeless or you don't see yourself making progress, you are! It takes practice and time to understand how all of this works, and after living with something like depression, a healthy lifestyle is very hard to attain. Have patience, do your best, but remember, you're not getting anything out of something that you never put anything into.

⁶ Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 2 Corinthians 9:6

Lesson 4: Vulnerability is not a weakness

Today's lesson goes well with yesterday's lesson. Many people have made comments to me lately that imply that their view of vulnerability is that it is a form of weakness, that letting someone else get close enough to see who you really are means that you aren't strong enough to do life on your own. Well, good news people! We were never meant to do any of this stuff alone!

God created us to have relationships. Our first and most important relationship should be the one we have with Him. We are designed to need Him and our life fulfills it's biggest purpose when we fully rely on Him. He also designed us to have relationships with the other people He has chosen to place in our lives, whether they are family, friends that may as well be family, a pastor or mentor, or in necessary situations, a professional counselor.

When we choose to share our lives with other people, it not only makes us stronger, but it empowers and encourages others, too. We become stronger when we rely on other people, not weaker, because two are not as easily overcome, and three are not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). If you tend to be one who is wary about trusting someone close to you because of fear of judgment or that they may not feel the same about you after they know your dirt, I would encourage you to take the step of being vulnerabe with them. You don't have to divulge all your life's secrets, but even taking the time to share a simple feeling with someone else can bring the two of you closer and give you something to identify with between the two of you. You'll be amazed at how God can use your friendship to strengthen both of you and also be a light to others around you!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!

Lesson 2: Depression does not define you

When I was first diagnosed with depression I felt like it had officially become my label - who I was and all I could ever be. That's not the case though. As a Christian, there are a lot of things I am, but depression is not one of them. In Ephesians we are given a whole list of things that we are and have as a result of Christ's sacrifice. This is just a few:

• every spiritual blessing
• holy
• blameless
• His child
• grace, freely and generously given
• redemption
• forgiveness
• purpose
• chosen
• salvation
• makred with a seal
 

To this day I still have friends that limit me to what they know of me in my depression. When they talk to me, that's all they want to know about, and if I say I'm fine, they go fishing for reasons that I shouldn't be. It's just as hard for me to believe and remember every day that I am free in Christ - not defined by the label of depression.

If you listen to Christian radio, you've likely heard the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. The chorus of that song says: You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.

I've posted the official video here:

I encourage you to listen to it, and really pay attention to the lyrics. This song describes me and so many people in similar situtations so very well. But I am finally learning what it means to be described the way God describes me.

 

Think before you label someone based on the outside. You don't know what's going on inside.

Lesson 1: Depression is not an excuse; it's an explanation

I still remember when my counselor first told me this - it made SO much sense!! But it also meant I had some responsibility in this whole thing, too.

Depression is not an excuse. This statement can go a couple different ways. The way you behave when you're depressed can't be passed off as a "depressed moment" of aggression, anger, risky behavior, or acting out some other way. Sometimes it's hard to know how to control these behaviors, but one of the best things for you is to experience the consequences that come from losing your temper or causing someone else pain because you'll learn how to deal with it better next time.

Another way to look at depression not being an excuse is that it is not, for any reason, a way to get out of doing things you don't want to or don't feel like doing. Even on your lowest days, you CAN push through. It is healthy to take a day off here or there to get some sleep and take care of yourself, but it shouldn't be spent wallowing in sorrow - it should be spent doing something that makes you feel good, something you enjoy.

Depression IS an explanation. What I mean by this is that depression is a systematic mental disorder that has its causes and effects. It's impossible to deny that depression plays a role in the way a person who has it lives their every day life. Speaking from experience, being exhausted, moody, so sad it hurts, feeling like you're dragging baggage around every day - those things are undeniable and a very real part of depression. But with time and help, a person with depression can learn how to work through all of those things and live a life of freedom.

This being said, the fact that I am recovering from depression does not mean that I am excused from the normal social rules of behavior and interaction; but it does give more of a background as to why exactly I may behave the way I do in certain instances. This goes for really any mental disorder - it doesn't mean you need to give the person a bunch of slack or pity. Actually, the best thing you can do for them is have expectations for them that are about the same as you would have for a "normal person" but allow little amounts of grace and give encouragement when it gets tough for them to meet those expectations. They will appreciate that you take the time to recognize what they are living with but still treat them as a real person with real potential and not a castoff.

I Gave It to the Lord

We all have something we need to give up to the Lord, and most of us know exactly what it is we're holding back from Him. We say we'll give it to Him, but then we take back a little piece of it to keep for ourselves. We make excuses for why we need to hold on to that piece - we need to learn our lesson, it's too hard to say no to, or it's a good reminder of where we came from - but those excuses are exactly what hold us back from experiencing the fullness of life through Christ Jesus.

Up to this point in my treatment for depression, I would say things like, "Lord, I am going to give this to you. I need your help," but a part of me didn't want to let it go. When you've walked around with something like depression for as long as I have, the thought of being without it can leave you confused and uncomfortable. "Without it there, what do I have left? I can't remember the last time I felt anything but depressed." In a very unhealthy way, I wanted it to hang around so I could feel sorry for myself - at times I actually liked the feelings the depression gave me.

This is exactly what God is getting at when He asks us to give Him our burdens. He wants the whole thing, not just the stuff we feel comfortable giving up. This was made very real to me this weekend while attending InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Fall Conference. The first night we were there, a skit was done showing a girl who let Jesus take her bag full of trash after He told her that is what He does, but she wanted to keep one little piece of it. The fact that she couldn't give it to Him broke Jesus' heart because His love for us compels Him to take away any suffering we carry with us.

That skit confirmed what God had been urging me to do for a few weeks, and I knew then and there that this would be the weekend I finally let go of the last little bits of trash I was carrying around and experience the freedom that comes through Christ alone. All day on Saturday I wrestled with the idea of giving up my last bit of control because, you see, I love to be in control; but my need for control was really starting to ruin my relationship with God in ways I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge.

On Saturday night during our plenary session, a call for prayer was made for anyone needing to let something go into God's hands or make a commitment to Him. I watched for a full hour as hundreds of other students went to the front to recieve prayer as we worshipped, and I tried to convince myself that I could just tell God by myself that I was going to let Him have everything - I was ready to let it go, I knew that for sure (and that was freeing in itself) but I didn't want to have to go to the front and tell a prayer leader that I wanted to give it up. Well, we all know how God gets His way in the end - He kept telling me He was proud of my decision but also kept reminding me of verses in the Bible where it talks about making confessions before a community of believers that can build you up and hold you accountable when the hard times come. Finally, right before the service ended, I made my way to the front and told the prayer leader that God had been asking me to give Him my struggles with depression and unhealthy coping behaviors, and I had finally decided to say yes.

I returned to my seat feeling so light and different that I couldn't even truly identify the feeling in any way other than God's supernatural freedom. I knew I wasn't completely healed and on track - there is a lot of learning that comes along with living a life free of something as debilitating as depression - but I also knew that it wasn't in my hands anymore. It isn't a secret burden anymore, and God was fighting my battle for me.

In less than 24 hours, I have already seen my own thoughts, desires, and behaviors change. I've been content or joyful a lot of the day, feeling as though I can allow people to know and love me for who I am, and also very secure in knowing what it is that I have because of God's grace (take some time to study out Ephesians and you'll have a list longer than you can imagine!). I haven't wanted to feel depressed or isolate myself, I haven't resorted to any of the coping behaviors that I've done for so long they had become more of a lifestyle than anything, and I am so excited to see where God takes me from here.

So, if you find yourself holding something back from God that you know He has offered to take from you, do whatever it is you need to do to get to a place of letting it go - whether it's bitterness, depression, worthlessness, an idol that you've placed before Him in your life, or anything else, God wants to see you free so that you can live your life abundantly through Him, spreading His perfect plan of grace for all people. I am praying for all of my readers and anyone who may come across this blog to find a new freedom in Christ.

As always, prayer requests are more than welcome and very important! I pray you all experience the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ and come to know the breadth and depth and width and height of His never-ending, unconditional, magnificent love for you!

It's Time You Knew

Disclaimer: While this post is long, I feel it is important that you read all of it. To those of you who know me, whether it is really well or hardly at all, this post is different from really anything I've written for public eyes before. Be aware that it touches on some heavy subjects and if you have anything come up that you want to talk about after reading it, please don't hesitate to contact me!

 

It's Time You Knew

 

Sitting there in that office, I was making one of the hardest decisions of my life. It was the second semester of my second year of college. I had tested out of a full year of school, making me a junior already; but now I was faced with a choice. Was all that hard work to get ahead really worth it? What would it mean if I gave it all up now? Here was my choice: Do I stay in school and finish out this semester at my university, or do I take medical leave and check myself into a residential treatment center for the depression I had been living with since I was 14 years old?

People’s opinions about my decision swirled around in my head as I tried to weigh out the pros and cons of each of the options I had. What would my parents think? That I was a hopeless case? That they had messed up too much to have a successful daughter? What would my teachers think? Well, quite honestly, it was more like ‘What will I think of myself if I let down these teachers who have put so much time and energy into my education?’ What would my friends think? Oh, I already knew what they thought. They kept telling me they would understand whatever decision I needed to make, but was that really true? I wasn’t so sure. As much as they said they would understand, they also kept telling me how wrong it would feel to be at school without me. I knew, though, that eventually they would get over it and soon it would be as if I had never been there with them in the first place. Deep down, though, I knew the answer I was really searching for: Would I be able to live with the results of leaving school for a semester and having my secret, private life be made known to everyone I knew on campus? The prospect of that scared me because as much as I would have liked to believe that people would be understanding and supportive, I feared more that they would judge me, think there was something wrong with me, and criticize me for being too weak to keep going.

As I sat in the office with my outpatient counselor patiently drawing an answer out of me, I couldn’t get my feelings straight. Finally I found a moment of peace and said, “I don’t think inpatient treatment is right for me right now. I am going to stay in school for the semester and just really focus on my treatment as it is. I know the inpatient option is always there if I ever do need it.” She looked at me with eyes that told me she was the epitome of sincerity. She affirmed my decision and the conversation moved on to what needed to happen next.

As we talked my mind was still sprinting in all directions with questions of how things even got to this point, what made it come to this decision even having to be made, and was I searching for my answers in the place I knew I could find them. For the rest of the evening I kept turning those same three questions over and over in my head until I was relatively satisfied with the answers.

How did things even get to this point?  Well, that one I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be honest about. For years I had lived with depression being the only way of living I understood. Even before I knew I had depression, I knew there was something wrong with me that kept me from living the way most other kids did. Why couldn’t I be carefree and love being around people? Why did one little word have to ruin my whole day? Why was I so terrible at making friends and keeping them? I have come to know now that the depression was not an excuse for all of these things, simply an explanation. As I learned more about the way depression works, it became more and more clear that I had grown up with depression ruling every area of my life as much as I had been trying to fight or deny it. I had put up a front and pretended for so long that everything was perfect in my world that it became what I truly believed. Instead of facing the things that tried to tear me down, I rejected their existence and even the fact that God existed in the midst of my problems.

I had been raised in a Christian home, attended a Christian school my whole life, and truly loved the church my family called home. I learned the truth of God’s Word from a very young age, and there was no question that God had proven His faithfulness to me time and time again. So why, then, was it so hard for me to be authentic and vulnerable with Him? Maybe because I was afraid of what the people around me would think. My perception of some members of my church and school was that they expected no one to have struggles and judged those who were open about struggles they did have. I realize now that my thinking that way was wrong, and that has given me a lot of freedom in being vulnerable with those God has placed in my life. Maybe it was because I didn’t understand that God had allowed my life to be the way it was for a reason. I spent many years going back and forth between feeling God’s presence all around me to being bitter and rejecting God, having too much pride to admit I needed His help and even convincing myself that He clearly didn’t care about my life anyway. I let that bitterness invade my relationships with classmates and even my parents. It tore my family in two, especially the way I behaved in regards to my own dad. I refused to recognize the efforts he made to make my life as great as it was and only looked at the things that he had done to cause me pain and heartbreak. I see now that everything under the sun has a purpose for its happening. There is some reason God allowed me to experience a life with depression, emotional and verbal abuse, bullying, social anxiety, and self-image problems. I don’t believe that these experiences bring God glory and make Him pleased; rather, it is what we do with these experiences to be a witness of His faithfulness through our many trials that bring glory to His kingdom. There is nothing I could say or do without His being in it. He was in these experiences with me and was working in them every single moment to teach me how to use my life for the purpose it was created – His purpose, to bring His children into His kingdom.

So then, how did I get to this point of having to make this seemingly impossible decision? In the midst of my experiencing depression, I had encountered what it means to feel as though my life was worthless. As much as I would push the thoughts out of my mind, they took root and infiltrated my thinking to the point of wanting to take my own life. My first plan of suicide came when I was 16, a sophomore in high school, with so much going for me that no one would have believed what was going on under the surface. I had two friends who were willing to face the reality with me and prayed for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. I am still thankful to them to this day that God saved me from what I almost did to myself that night. After that I was pretty stable for a couple of years. Then my senior year of high school came and I was overwhelmed by everything that involved. So much of it was full of joy, but a lot of it was filled with the prospect of missing all these friends I had finally come to know, leaving the only atmosphere I had ever lived in, and facing the uncertainty of all the years yet to come. I made a lot of decisions during that year without allowing God to be a part of them. I lived out of fake authenticity and became very good at hiding the fact that I had any problems at all – except to my closest friends. To them, I made some of my problems bigger than reality in hopes that I would gain their attention. It was almost like my cry for help without really knowing that that was what I was doing. Many times during that year I thought of ending my life, just wishing everything I was feeling – frustration, confusion, helplessness – would go away forever and leave me be. That’s all I wanted – to just BE, whatever that meant.  I sought help in two teachers at my high school who I knew I could trust, and I finished my senior year and graduation with the appearance that I was in love with life and all that was laid out before me.

When I arrived in River Falls, WI, to begin my freshman year of college, I knew it was time to allow my true self to come forward, but I didn’t know how to do that. I made some friends and got connected in a Bible study right away, but I fell into my old patterns of keeping up appearance. I got worn out – really worn out – and by the end of the first semester I could feel things changing again. I was miserable my second semester, barely keeping my head above the water, but kept pushing on with no one suspecting a thing. Several times that semester I had contemplated ending my life, but I couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to the last few people I knew loved me. Summer came and went and I started my second year at UWRF even worse off than the last. I was low to the point that I wasn’t even sure I could handle school. I found myself being honest with another friend and telling her what I had been living through the previous year and where I was at now. For a while, things were good. I had friends close by, was enjoying my classes, and was actually feeling pretty good about things; but I started to notice this cycle of low weeks and my coping skills were just not there to handle them. By November, I was at rock bottom.  I remember that night so vividly it hurts. I was within seconds of taking an entire bottle of Tylenol when I just broke down. I was shaking, couldn’t breathe, panicking. I called a friend in North Dakota and she told me I had to find someone on campus to get to me right away. I texted a girl in my Bible study and she found me in my room hardly able to stand. That night was lower than I’ve ever been.

The next morning I went to the counseling center on campus and was referred off campus because of the severity of my case. I started outpatient treatment for severe depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation on December 1, 2011. I also had my mom come over that evening so I could share with her everything I had been feeling for the past six years. Within weeks I was making incredible progress, and I went on to do very well in school that semester. J-term break was definitely a challenge, but I kept people around me who knew what was going on to support me. We arrived back at school for the spring semester, and the transition into routine was really a challenge. The cycles of low weeks had continued and I found myself isolating much of the time – wanting to be alone, do nothing, sleep constantly – and one afternoon I ran away from campus and refused to answer calls when people came looking for me. Thankfully I hadn’t intended on harming myself, but nonetheless, I knew it was time for a wake-up-call. That night, I found myself being taken to the emergency room, stripped of any pride I had left, and weak enough to just let what happened happen. That’s all it took – I was shocked into knowing I wanted my life to change from that point forward because I couldn’t take being under the scrutiny of all that happened in the ER that night. So that is what led me to the outpatient counselor’s office for this decision.

Being in the ER that night made me realize I had been drawing on only my strength, still keeping secrets from the people I loved and those who loved me. By then I had told my dad, too, what was going on, and I had found a friend in one of the professional staff on campus who I knew was praying for me and there for encouragement any time I needed her. But I also knew that my strength alone was no match for this terrible, haunting depression that had become my normal; and I knew I wanted nothing more to do with it than to let it be a way for God to help others find His love, grace, hope and faithfulness.  That day when I was released from the hospital into the care of my roommates, I knew things had to change, and they have. In the last few months I have repeatedly asked God to help get me through the inevitable low days, I’ve learned the things I should be doing to cope with them when they come, and I have made progress that even I sometimes can’t believe is possible.

Thanks to God and a few close friends, my life is starting to make a difference. Every time I hear of another person lost to suicide because they don’t know how much their life means to the other people around them, I am struck by the sheer tenacity I have found in allowing others to see my pain. I pray that by sharing all of this someone somewhere would be saved from a life so miserable they feel it can only get better by ending it. I am thankful for every experience God has allowed me to have, simply for the reason that it gives Him another chance to make His love and faithfulness known. Yes, there are still days when life gets me down – but it’s not about those low moments. They are moments, not a definition of your entire life!

My last words to you are this: if you are finding yourself feeling the way I described in all of this, please don’t continue to face life alone. We were created to need each other and to need God. If you need someone you can trust to help you through this, know that I am making myself completely available, any time any place. But if it can’t be me, please seek out someone it can be. Don’t keep making things look ok when really you are barely holding up inside. Life is worth living, and you are worth more than life itself. If you’re reading this, know that there is at least one person, a college student in River Falls, WI, who loves you possibly without even knowing you, and that God knows you and loves you in a way that is unfathomable. Know that I am praying for you and here if you ever need it.

<3 Kelly



My Spirit is Sick

This morning the Lord was telling me His take on why I wasn’t feeling so up to par this week. It was one of those weeks where you just don’t feel like doing anything, nothing really gets you motivated, and (oh no, don’t say it!) you don’t even really care to spend time with God. I was definitely feeling down and I really didn’t have much of a good reason, but then God got my attention and shared this with me:
       My Spirit is sick and I had made it this way by filling my mind and heart with things not of God. That is why I felt such a longing for Him at the beginning of the week – my Spirit knew what it needed to get itself back to health. God equated it to when my physical body gets sick. The first day you’re sick, you know it – you feel way worse that day than most of the rest and you tend to “milk it” a lot more that first day out. Then, the next couple of days you start coming to accept that you are indeed sick and start sort of nursing yourself back to health, or dealing with it at least. You self-medicate or go to the doctor – the natural way of dealing with it. Then you just let your body rest and heal without asking too much of it.

The same goes for when your spirit is sick – the first day you feel miserable. You might be depressed, tired, crabby or down and things just seem like they’re not quite right. You may decide to just wallow in it, or you may decide to take action early. The second day you start to accept it, but here is where it can get quite dangerous. If you let it just keep going here, the sickness is just going to get worse and worse; but if you take action now you will get it under control.

So how do you take action? Spending time in the Word, praying, being in the presence of God (especially when you don’t feel like being there) is the best way for us to do our part in the natural. Then God joins us with His supernatural power (like His healing for our natural bodies) and He takes care of the rest and gets our spirit back to health and in shape to do His work.

I would urge you that if you are feeling this way, find time to spend with God and really let Him into your heart to heal the broken places. If you don’t think you can do this by yourself, find a close friend who is a strong Christian, a leader/pastor in your church, or email us and we’ll help you connect with someone or with us. Having another person helping you and encouraging you in your walk with God is fundamental to your success as a Christian. God loves you and He wants your spirit to be healthy so that you can share His love with everyone around you!