Fear and Apprehension = Pure Exhaustion

I've been realizing more and more lately how important it is to be constantly feeding on the things of the Spirit. I find myself in conversations where my flesh is very pleased to continue in the direction it is naturally heading, but at the same time, I am seeing infinite opportunities to turn it toward my Lord and Savior. Coming away from those conversations leaves me thinking a lot, especially when I choose to let them go where they will.

I am seeing, though, that God is giving me so many chances to be a light for Him in a place of darkness. One friend in particular tends to almost beg for God to be brought into the conversation but won't do it herself because she's not confident in her relationship with Him. I understand exactly where she is coming from and have been in that place so many times before. It can be so hard to open our flesh up to the things God desires because sometimes they aren't anything like what our flesh wants to have.

Another friend of mine has been really instrumental in challenging me to find God every single day whether I want to or not, and I have seen how the fruit of that time in seeking Christ really does spread. I get so excited about the things that God shares with me during my time with Him that it excites me to share it - which is why it's so annoying when my flesh overrules and makes it so hard, almost painful, to spend that time with God. Maybe, in reality, it's a fear of how He's going to react to our coming back and asking for a new start. But I've come to learn that fear is a lack of faith, often a result of pure exhaustion and being overwhelmed by trying to do it all ourselves.

But God desires us to be in close relationship with Him all the time. He doesn't change His mind based on what we've done that day or the desires we have. He is all the same and desires the same from us. We are His, He is with us, and we are precious and loved by Him, all the time, no matter what (Isaiah 43:1-4).

So, I guess we're left with two choices. #1 - push through, work harder, see what we can do/figure out = pure exhaustion; or #2 - rely on God and see what He can do, even when it's hard or scary to lose our sense of control = joy and strength.

My encouragement for you is that you would be purposeful about finding time to spend with God. Push aside your fears or apprehensions about going back to Him or having to ignore the fleshly desires that are so much easier to please. And don't go it alone. Things can be really tough sometimes. I get that more than most of you would ever understand. But find someone who can be an encouragement to you, who is going through the same thing you are, and work together to find God in your situations. He loves you and wants you to be with Him every second of the day.

Backstage Pass

Last night I had one of the best experiences of my entire life. I got to meet the music group that I have always wanted to meet. In fact, I’m pretty positive that I am their biggest fan of all time! The group is called BarlowGirl. They are a group of three sisters (with the last name Barlow – go figure!) in their twenties that are Christian rock singer/songwriters. They are from Chicago and their dad is a music pastor. Something I love about them, besides their completely genuine and authentic personalities, is their intense sarcasm. They banter and joke through most of their show and can make literally anyone laugh so hard their stomach hurts. I have been a fan of the girls and their music since they first came out when I was in middle school. You could say I was one of those to “discover” them, I guess. It has always been a dream of mine to meet them and tell them what a huge positive impact their music has had in my life, and last night I got to do that!

For my mom’s birthday (she’s their 2^nd biggest fan), we bought VIP tickets for their show at a church in Forest Lake, MN. My mom, my sister, my roommate, and I all went together. We made red fan t-shirts (with glitter!!!) and sat in the center 2^nd row, close enough to touch them! Before the concert we got to do a meet and greet, asking them any questions we wanted to and had a group picture taken with them. We became known as “the girls with the shirts,” and they even pointed us out to everybody else at the concert.

There were two headliners that were ok, but when BarlowGirl finally came on to do their acoustic set, I was thrilled! I was amazed at how the songs, even though done acoustically instead of as rock, sounded so much like the album version. The girls are absolutely stunning when they perform live – you can tell they really love what they do. They have an incredible ability to harmonize and blend with each other almost as if there is one voice singing three parts. They took time to joke around, but also to be serious about their message of hope in Jesus Christ. The whole night was just very real and intimate. They shared some of the things that are going on in their lives and encouraged us in some of the things we have going on in ours. They played a couple of Christmas songs and a new song they just wrote, but mostly they stuck to their well-known songs that very much embody their hearts of worship toward God. They played all of my absolute favorites which made it really fun to sing along. It was a really powerful night and I am so blessed to have been there to experience it.

At the end of the concert we got to have them sign the back of our shirts and talk with them for a little while. We told them how it was my mom’s birthday and about the cake I had made her (which they said we should have brought to share). I was so giddy after talking to them and having them sign my shirt that I wanted my mom to keep taking pictures of my sister, my roommate and me in our awesome, now highly valuable t-shirts. I said I wasn’t going to take it off and would just wear it to school on Monday; but I thought better of it and decided it needed to be kept from any potential harm. My infinitely valuable (to me anyway) autographed t-shirt is now safely tucked into my duffle bag to go back home with me so that it never loses its simple amazingness!

The night of December 4, 2011, I got to meet the three girls who have been the biggest inspiration and God’s tool in my life to build my faith and trust in Him. There is absolutely nothing like being able to share with someone the kind of impact they are making on your life and the lives of so many others that surround you. And that, basically, is how one of the single best nights of my life went down.

Yet Again

You know what's kind of funny in a not-so-funny way? The fact that God has to continually prove His faithfulness to us not matter how many times He already has. This week was one of those times for me that, because of the circumstances I was facing, I chose not to remember the benefits I have in Him (Psalm 103) that He has proven to me countless times. I was faced with the reality that I'm not really that much different from the Israelites in the way they lived their lives.

Throughout the entire Old Testament we see a pattern of the Israelites following God as if their lives depended on it and then falling away and even worshipping other gods, much like some of us do today. It's not something I'm proud of, but I would say I probably have a pretty "Israelite" pattern of living in my own life, and it frustrates me that it's so easy to fall away from what I know to be true. I tend to be a pretty stubborn person, and when I make up my mind one way, it's quite a challenge to get me to do things someone else's way. I also like to be in control, which means the idea of giving complete control of my life to Someone else is one of the scariest things imaginable. But what is even scarier is seeing how NOT trusting God with my life ends up in such utter terror and dispair.

Something I found encouraging the other day was a passage from Hebrews 10:19-11. A close friend of mine read it with me after some pretty intense circumstances arose and I marveled at how it listed out the fathers of my faith from the Old Testament who lived their entire lives known for their faith in God. I had this little lingering thought that having my name known for centuries after my death because I had such utter faith in God would be probably the biggest privilege and honor I was ever allowed to have. It occurred to me that they had this thing figured out - there was nothing in this world that was going to separate them from the promises of God, and they were stinkin sure of that! The model of the lives of men like King David, Joshua, Abraham, Moses, Noah, and Isaiah are laid out right in front of us along side God's instructions for how to live a life of faith that is pleasing to Him. He makes it so plain for us, and just to have us ignore it and decide we've got it handled on our own.

Well, I can tell ya folks, that I certainly do not have it handled on my own and He is standing there just waiting for me to run to Him and let Him be my strength when I am too weak to stand and fight. And He has surrounded me with an entire army of fighters that act as His strength in my life as well. The thought of this puts me in such perfect peace and I know that with their help I can live by my life verse:
You keep me in perfect peace because my mind is stayed on You and I trust in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3

Un caballo llamado “Sueño”

Siempre me encantaban los caballos y soñaba de tener mi propio caballo. Cuando tenía catorce años, entré a un concurso de ensayo para ganar un caballo. Tuve una entrevista telefónica con cinco expertos de caballos. ¡Gané el caballo!

El caballo tenía cuatro meses cuando yo lo gané. Lo nombré “Sueño” (Dream) porque yo realicé me sueño de tener un caballo. Hace cinco años que yo gané mi caballo el 15 de septiembre de 2006. Ahora, él tiene cinco y medio años y vive en Minnesota dónde mis padres y mi entrenador lo cuide por mí mientras estoy en la escuela.

Cuando gané mi caballo, vivía en la ciudad de Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, y no puedo mantenerlo allí. Por eso, tuve que buscar el lugar perfecto para que él viviera. También, tuve que conseguir un trabajo para pagar sus gastos. Como tener un hijo. Pago su educación como un caballo de exhibición, su comida y habitación, y sus gastos médicos, pero no hay seguro de salud para los caballos. Mi caballo me impide viajar lejos de casa por mucho tiempo. Pero no lamenté nunca tener a “Sueño.

Él me enseña mucho sobre la paciencia, la perseverancia y la confianza. Yo estoy aprendiendo a entrenar los caballos, también, y mi entrenador me apoya mucho. Porque me encantan los caballos mucho, especialmente “Sueño,” decidí hacer mi carrera con caballos. Quiero hacer psicoterapia con la ayuda de los caballos para las mujeres jóvenes que sufren de depresión, desórdenes de la alimentación, y han sido abusadas. Espero que “Sueño” y yo podemos ayudar a muchas mujeres jóvenes. ¡Yo estoy agradecida de tener a “Sueño” y yo le quiero muchísimo!

Vea a Sueño en Facebook aquí: https://www.facebook.com

I'm Back - Please Read to the End

I had a reader ask me yesterday in a fairly intense conversation why I quit blogging. She told me she missed reading my uplifting and inspiring posts and seeing the love of God shining through the text of my page. I had to take a step back and really think about that. I see the views-counter all the time of how many people have been on my page, but the lack of comments and not knowing if people were even actually reading what I was saying made it hard for me to continue. What if I was spending all this time on these posts and no one even cared about what I was writing?

I'd have to say I fell into a rut, in more ways than one: dealing with some personal stuff, handling the stress of college life, and actually losing a good amount of inspiration to even continue writing. Even the pressures of performance, something I've struggled with since I was very young, trying to live up to what I perceive others expect from me and thinking that if I don't get a tangible response I'm not performing well. But I realized today how much I miss my writing, how calming, almost therapeutic, it is for me, and that I'm actually pretty good at it whether people compliment me on it or not. I realized that I can write just for ME and not make it about what other people want to hear. There are things God wants to show me through my time in His Word and journaling and writing with and to Him that are important for ME to have, not just to share with all of you.

So to sum all this up, basically, I'm back. And it may not be as regular as before, but I can promise it will not be months in between each of my posts. And things may get a bit more personal, and I hope that you all are ok with that because it is what matters to me. Being a human means that we experience pain, weakness, joys, successes, and so many other things. I am just as human as all of you and I have prepared myself to become more vulnerable with the people who can experience God through my experiences.

I pray you all experience Him today in a tangible and meaninful way that is unforgettable to you. I'd love to hear about it! Leave comments below with prayer requests or what has been going on in your day so we can all share in each other's joys and sorrows, rejoicing with God when He rejoices, and thanking Him when He gives us moments of teaching and correciton.

Beauty in Simplicity

These are just a few photos that a friend and I put together for fun. Let me know what you think!

Who Am I Doing This For?

I reread some of my journals last night from this past spring and summer, starting around April and continuing on to about August, where I knew I had to stop. It wasn't because they were hard to read or dug up painful memories that I stopped, rather they made me realize something about myself: so much of the time, especially when I'm writing my blog or having a quiet time with a friend, I consider what I say based on how it will benefit them, as if it has already done its work for me. I find myself doing my Bible study or personal quiet time in such a way that it's as if I'm just looking for what I can share with others. Granted, I still get a lot out of my time in the Word, but instead of being focused on how it applies best to my life, I often find myself focused on how I can best word it in my next blog post to share it in a way that's relevant to the reader. But when I journal with no intentions of sharing my writing, God truly comes and it's as if I'm pouring my whole heart out to Him; and throughout the writing you can find a definite place where God does the necessary work in my heart and my writing is transformed from selfish, full of problems, pitiful little girl to young woman of the Most High who knows who she is in the eyes of her Creator.

Realizing this really impacted me because I recognized that God's first goal in sharing things with me is for me to come to know Him and experience life His way. Sharing this knowledge and experience comes later. God has designed these messages for me and rather than taking what He is laying before me and holding tight to the part that He has chosen for me, I pick it all up and give it all away, leaving me empty-handed but feeling as if I accomplished something really worthwhile.

Now, it's all well and good to share what God has given you to share; but when you don't take anything for yourself and give it all away, you become burnt out and eventually are useless until you get refueled. It's like an old-fashioned oil lamp that can't burn anymore once it's empty of oil. This is the point where you have to make it a point to be refueling everyday to ensure you have what you need for the day. Taking time to yourself and not sharing what God is giving you sometimes is not being selfish or stingy. It is simply recognizing that every relationship requires equal give and take, and there are boundaries that say when enough has been taken without you being given anything more to work with.

I believe that this is something I need to discover with my blogging. As an example of the difference it can make, my journals for God and myself have a deep, raw, penetrative and truly beautiful writing about them. My blogs are good, too, but only the "journal" style blog posts are really all that. The rest of my blogs lack the luster they need to be truly captivating. But if I focus my time in the Word on God and what He wants to share with me, just like my journal, my blog posts will gain the richness and beauty that they deserve to possess. I hope that through their relevance to my life they will be exactly what a certain reader needed to see that day, therefore, inspired by God rather than the "notions of Kelly." I pray you recieve what the Lord has prepared for you today and would love to hear about what He's doing in your life in the comments below!