There's Only Grace Now

I am absolutely loving what I'm doing. A couple of months ago I probably would have said something more like, "What did I get myself into?" Or, "Alright, that's it, I'm moving home to be a kid forever!" (Ok, I still have both of these thoughts on occasion, but now I know deep down I'm really just kidding.)

When I first moved to Winona Lake, I went through that honeymoon period. Everything was so new and exciting. I was living in the apartment I had had dreams about since signing the lease. I was connecting with people in my program cohort. Things were so great. But then in the thick of learning all things counseling, I hit that regret and confusion phase that every grad student does. Am I really supposed to be here? Is counseling really what I want to do? Am I always going to be this bad at counseling? I seriously lost track of how many times I contemplated dropping the program, how many times I called my mom and said I couldn't do this. But I pushed through, and here I am, knowing what my passion is and so excited that I have the chance to live it!

This sort of passion and perseverance is exactly what the devil wants to stop in our lives. And he knows exactly what he needs to do to each of us individually to stop God's plan in our lives. For me, it is making me feel isolated. Even when I'm surrounded by people and even have a few express their care for me, if I'm not on my guard, I can have thoughts slipping in that tell me I'm all alone in the world, nobody cares, and people aren't here for me when I need them. But I know good and well that's not true at all.

In the recent weeks of finishing my first year of grad school, I have been faced with this isolation a lot. Friendships have grown apart, stress has been overwhelming, and life has been plain exhausting. But there has been one place of solace, One person who has stuck it out, and the only thing to bring peace when peace is the most senseless thing to be had. I find myself taking on humility on a new level, recognizing that my own strength will not lead me to over come; I am only sufficient when I am in Him, and His strength is made perfect when I am at my weakest. I have felt more love, more purpose, more intimacy with Christ in these last weeks than I have in almost all the time since moving here. I recognize areas where I still need to grow and that will stretch me thin until I’ve been made complete; but in this moment, there is only grace now, and grace is all I need.

Burning Love - Topics on the Love of the Father

"Love burns bright enough to compel us, but hot enough to keep us humble." from "Finding Yourself in 'Love'" by Myles Werntz

There is something about love that draws us toward it. It causes us to do things we wouldn't otherwise do and encourages us to pursue it; but love also has a refining quality aobut it, meant to burn away our imperfections and make us our best. This quality leads us to finding humility because we realize that our best would not be present without a little bit of pain to draw it out of us.

Love is something that completes our human existance, makes us feel needed, and gives us an expression of the need we have for another person. It makes us feel esteem for ourselves and others. This craving for love that all humankind experiences is something that God designed within each one of us with the purpose of creating meaningful relationships with others and Himself. God has ways of fulfiling this craving with His own love and by placing people in our lives that show us His love in their own way.

What are three crazy things that love has compelled you to do? Leave your answers in the comment section!

1. Spend an entire evening talking to 2 International Students about everything from the American tradition of s'mores around the campfire to the most intricate details of our lives as Christians. This was such an encouraging experience for me and I learned first-hand how simple the love of God is.
2. Becoming involved as a leader on campus through the Freshman Orientation Program here at UW-River Falls. Not only did I get to impact a group of students new to campus as we spent three days together, but my relationships with them and the other orientation leaers continue to grow in the love of Christ as we discover more about each other and our own faith.
3. Stay out of a dating relationship out of love and respect to the man, myself, and both of our relationships with God. I know that dating is a huge part of the American culture, but I have chosen to wait until God leads me into my one and only relationship because I know His timing is perfect and His love will sustain me as I wait patiently on Him. I have chosen this path because I believe that God should be the center of any relationship I have, but especially a romantic one, so I want both of our hearts to be prepared by God and our relationships to be solid in Him before we begin our lives together.

Loving shapes our entire purpose because it is how we can universally communicate who God is and His love for us to anyone and everyone. As I prepare to work in the mental health field, love is becoming something I value more than anything else. It goes a long way in a patient's treatment. Being loved brings self-esteem and a lot of encouragement, knowing there is someone behind you all the time to support you no matter what. God's love in my life and it's ability to work through me is what gives me the confidence to follow what God has planned for my life.

"Well, He is! Can't you see Him?"

My very best friend told me today that she loves that when I talk about God, I talk about Him as if He is right there next to me, talking to me like anyone else would. When she said that I responded somewhat cynically saying, "Well, He is! Can't you see Him?" I poitned to the empty seat to the right of me at our table. As I said it jokingly, I realized how true it is - I really do feel as if He is literally with me all the time. My friend went on to ask how I could know and feel with such confidence, and it took me a little while to describe it. I answered her in the best way I could, even though it's not something you can really understand until you've experienced it for yourself. As best as I could, I explained that it had taken a long time for me to get here; I definitely don't feel like I have arrived. For a more tangible example, I told her how I view God as if He's a real, tangible being instead of this far, out-there, untouchable Someone who we have to treat as this Lord over us all the time. I don't mean that we can disrespect Him and treat Him as if He is no different from us, but He does want us to be real with Him, show our raw emotions, even if it may mean yelling at Him or arguing with Him. As much as God is my Lord and I worship Him, He is also my Heavenly Father and the Lover who has caputured my heart so that it cannot escape. He desires my touch as much as I desire His, and He is so jealous for my heart. He wants all of me and I want nothing more than for Him to have all of me. That's a really hard thing to do sometimes - give your entire self over to God's control and have that kind of trust - but it's also something that is meant to take time.

Trust is a process. Some people are more quick to trust than others, but all in all, no one trusts someone completely the instant they meet them. In fact, more often than not that trust takes years to get ot that level of trusting someone with one's life, giving them complete control. Over the years of knowing God, it started out as a lot of talk with most of the action stemming from following the lead and expectations of others; but the more you say and act one way the more you start to believe that way, and the more you believe the more you start to really feel that way passionately. As I've spent my time discovering who God is the more I desire to know Him and feel Him close to me. It's similar to when you find that one person who is meant to be with you forever (not that I've experienced that yet, but this is how my friend explained it). As you first met that person you may have felt drawn to them or you "liked" them. Now as you've spent the time to really get to know them you start wanting to know them more. That is how I have come to feel this way about God. I kind of feel like the psalmist David in my pursuit for God's constant presence in my life.

There are many times that I feel God very tangibly. I've learned to distinguish His voice from all the rest and I have experienced Him walking right by my side and even taking my hand in His as we walk together. It's a little bit like God takes me on dates as a means of helping me get to know Him more.

Back to my comment of God being right next to me. Can't she see Him? Well, naturally, the answer is no; but think about that for a second. It's always said that Christians will be known by their love. So isn't it natural (or rather supernatural) to expect that she really can see His love in me so much that it is as if He is sitting right there?