I Gave It to the Lord

We all have something we need to give up to the Lord, and most of us know exactly what it is we're holding back from Him. We say we'll give it to Him, but then we take back a little piece of it to keep for ourselves. We make excuses for why we need to hold on to that piece - we need to learn our lesson, it's too hard to say no to, or it's a good reminder of where we came from - but those excuses are exactly what hold us back from experiencing the fullness of life through Christ Jesus.

Up to this point in my treatment for depression, I would say things like, "Lord, I am going to give this to you. I need your help," but a part of me didn't want to let it go. When you've walked around with something like depression for as long as I have, the thought of being without it can leave you confused and uncomfortable. "Without it there, what do I have left? I can't remember the last time I felt anything but depressed." In a very unhealthy way, I wanted it to hang around so I could feel sorry for myself - at times I actually liked the feelings the depression gave me.

This is exactly what God is getting at when He asks us to give Him our burdens. He wants the whole thing, not just the stuff we feel comfortable giving up. This was made very real to me this weekend while attending InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Fall Conference. The first night we were there, a skit was done showing a girl who let Jesus take her bag full of trash after He told her that is what He does, but she wanted to keep one little piece of it. The fact that she couldn't give it to Him broke Jesus' heart because His love for us compels Him to take away any suffering we carry with us.

That skit confirmed what God had been urging me to do for a few weeks, and I knew then and there that this would be the weekend I finally let go of the last little bits of trash I was carrying around and experience the freedom that comes through Christ alone. All day on Saturday I wrestled with the idea of giving up my last bit of control because, you see, I love to be in control; but my need for control was really starting to ruin my relationship with God in ways I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge.

On Saturday night during our plenary session, a call for prayer was made for anyone needing to let something go into God's hands or make a commitment to Him. I watched for a full hour as hundreds of other students went to the front to recieve prayer as we worshipped, and I tried to convince myself that I could just tell God by myself that I was going to let Him have everything - I was ready to let it go, I knew that for sure (and that was freeing in itself) but I didn't want to have to go to the front and tell a prayer leader that I wanted to give it up. Well, we all know how God gets His way in the end - He kept telling me He was proud of my decision but also kept reminding me of verses in the Bible where it talks about making confessions before a community of believers that can build you up and hold you accountable when the hard times come. Finally, right before the service ended, I made my way to the front and told the prayer leader that God had been asking me to give Him my struggles with depression and unhealthy coping behaviors, and I had finally decided to say yes.

I returned to my seat feeling so light and different that I couldn't even truly identify the feeling in any way other than God's supernatural freedom. I knew I wasn't completely healed and on track - there is a lot of learning that comes along with living a life free of something as debilitating as depression - but I also knew that it wasn't in my hands anymore. It isn't a secret burden anymore, and God was fighting my battle for me.

In less than 24 hours, I have already seen my own thoughts, desires, and behaviors change. I've been content or joyful a lot of the day, feeling as though I can allow people to know and love me for who I am, and also very secure in knowing what it is that I have because of God's grace (take some time to study out Ephesians and you'll have a list longer than you can imagine!). I haven't wanted to feel depressed or isolate myself, I haven't resorted to any of the coping behaviors that I've done for so long they had become more of a lifestyle than anything, and I am so excited to see where God takes me from here.

So, if you find yourself holding something back from God that you know He has offered to take from you, do whatever it is you need to do to get to a place of letting it go - whether it's bitterness, depression, worthlessness, an idol that you've placed before Him in your life, or anything else, God wants to see you free so that you can live your life abundantly through Him, spreading His perfect plan of grace for all people. I am praying for all of my readers and anyone who may come across this blog to find a new freedom in Christ.

As always, prayer requests are more than welcome and very important! I pray you all experience the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ and come to know the breadth and depth and width and height of His never-ending, unconditional, magnificent love for you!

In Response

Wow! I was not expecting the sort of response I got from my last post - thank you guys so much! Whether it was simply reading it, sending me notes of encouragement, or taking the bold step of sharing your story with me, I am truly grateful for all the things you guys said.

I wanted to take a moment to encourage those whose stories were told as a result of mine. First off, that takes guts, and some of you I don't even know, but God makes incredible connections through the pain we share with one another. I'm glad you took the step to tell me! Each of you got personal responses back, but I wanted to say something in general for those who may have related to my story but didn't share theirs:
                    NEVER DOUBT GOD'S FAITHFULNESS IN SEASONS OF HARDSHIP
Looking back at everything I've been through and the fight I still take up everyday, His faithfulness alone is what has brought me through. I have no doubt that there were many steps I took that from the outside looked like just my decisions and actions, but they were perfectly coordinated by God so that everything worked out for Him to have my story as a way of drawing people close to Him. He will do the same with yours if you let Him!  As always, I am HERE FOR YOU anytime, any place :)

To those who sent encouragement, I will be forever grateful for your support! I have some big things coming up in the next couple semesters (yes, graduation is one of them!) and knowing I have my family of believers behind me makes a world of difference. A year ago I was afraid of saying too much to too many people about all this stuff, but I've come a long way and I know now that the people I truly need in my life will be supportive no matter what life throws at me. I intend to do the same for any of you!

Last but not least, those of you who simply read my testimony - thank you. I pray that it stirred something inside you about the hope and love offered by our Heavenly Father. Please, share my testimony and your own with anyone who you think would find encouragement in it. That's the whole point of my writing it on the web for the world to see!

To all of my readers, you all are amazing! I am blessed that any of you continue to come back to my page! If you have a google account (or want to create one) I'd LOVE to have you follow me! If you have any prayer requests, I would love to have you post them below as a comment on the blog itself so that other readers and I can be praying for you. I also like to hear when our prayers are answered, so share those too!!

In Christ Forevermore,
Kelly

It's Time You Knew

Disclaimer: While this post is long, I feel it is important that you read all of it. To those of you who know me, whether it is really well or hardly at all, this post is different from really anything I've written for public eyes before. Be aware that it touches on some heavy subjects and if you have anything come up that you want to talk about after reading it, please don't hesitate to contact me!

 

It's Time You Knew

 

Sitting there in that office, I was making one of the hardest decisions of my life. It was the second semester of my second year of college. I had tested out of a full year of school, making me a junior already; but now I was faced with a choice. Was all that hard work to get ahead really worth it? What would it mean if I gave it all up now? Here was my choice: Do I stay in school and finish out this semester at my university, or do I take medical leave and check myself into a residential treatment center for the depression I had been living with since I was 14 years old?

People’s opinions about my decision swirled around in my head as I tried to weigh out the pros and cons of each of the options I had. What would my parents think? That I was a hopeless case? That they had messed up too much to have a successful daughter? What would my teachers think? Well, quite honestly, it was more like ‘What will I think of myself if I let down these teachers who have put so much time and energy into my education?’ What would my friends think? Oh, I already knew what they thought. They kept telling me they would understand whatever decision I needed to make, but was that really true? I wasn’t so sure. As much as they said they would understand, they also kept telling me how wrong it would feel to be at school without me. I knew, though, that eventually they would get over it and soon it would be as if I had never been there with them in the first place. Deep down, though, I knew the answer I was really searching for: Would I be able to live with the results of leaving school for a semester and having my secret, private life be made known to everyone I knew on campus? The prospect of that scared me because as much as I would have liked to believe that people would be understanding and supportive, I feared more that they would judge me, think there was something wrong with me, and criticize me for being too weak to keep going.

As I sat in the office with my outpatient counselor patiently drawing an answer out of me, I couldn’t get my feelings straight. Finally I found a moment of peace and said, “I don’t think inpatient treatment is right for me right now. I am going to stay in school for the semester and just really focus on my treatment as it is. I know the inpatient option is always there if I ever do need it.” She looked at me with eyes that told me she was the epitome of sincerity. She affirmed my decision and the conversation moved on to what needed to happen next.

As we talked my mind was still sprinting in all directions with questions of how things even got to this point, what made it come to this decision even having to be made, and was I searching for my answers in the place I knew I could find them. For the rest of the evening I kept turning those same three questions over and over in my head until I was relatively satisfied with the answers.

How did things even get to this point?  Well, that one I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be honest about. For years I had lived with depression being the only way of living I understood. Even before I knew I had depression, I knew there was something wrong with me that kept me from living the way most other kids did. Why couldn’t I be carefree and love being around people? Why did one little word have to ruin my whole day? Why was I so terrible at making friends and keeping them? I have come to know now that the depression was not an excuse for all of these things, simply an explanation. As I learned more about the way depression works, it became more and more clear that I had grown up with depression ruling every area of my life as much as I had been trying to fight or deny it. I had put up a front and pretended for so long that everything was perfect in my world that it became what I truly believed. Instead of facing the things that tried to tear me down, I rejected their existence and even the fact that God existed in the midst of my problems.

I had been raised in a Christian home, attended a Christian school my whole life, and truly loved the church my family called home. I learned the truth of God’s Word from a very young age, and there was no question that God had proven His faithfulness to me time and time again. So why, then, was it so hard for me to be authentic and vulnerable with Him? Maybe because I was afraid of what the people around me would think. My perception of some members of my church and school was that they expected no one to have struggles and judged those who were open about struggles they did have. I realize now that my thinking that way was wrong, and that has given me a lot of freedom in being vulnerable with those God has placed in my life. Maybe it was because I didn’t understand that God had allowed my life to be the way it was for a reason. I spent many years going back and forth between feeling God’s presence all around me to being bitter and rejecting God, having too much pride to admit I needed His help and even convincing myself that He clearly didn’t care about my life anyway. I let that bitterness invade my relationships with classmates and even my parents. It tore my family in two, especially the way I behaved in regards to my own dad. I refused to recognize the efforts he made to make my life as great as it was and only looked at the things that he had done to cause me pain and heartbreak. I see now that everything under the sun has a purpose for its happening. There is some reason God allowed me to experience a life with depression, emotional and verbal abuse, bullying, social anxiety, and self-image problems. I don’t believe that these experiences bring God glory and make Him pleased; rather, it is what we do with these experiences to be a witness of His faithfulness through our many trials that bring glory to His kingdom. There is nothing I could say or do without His being in it. He was in these experiences with me and was working in them every single moment to teach me how to use my life for the purpose it was created – His purpose, to bring His children into His kingdom.

So then, how did I get to this point of having to make this seemingly impossible decision? In the midst of my experiencing depression, I had encountered what it means to feel as though my life was worthless. As much as I would push the thoughts out of my mind, they took root and infiltrated my thinking to the point of wanting to take my own life. My first plan of suicide came when I was 16, a sophomore in high school, with so much going for me that no one would have believed what was going on under the surface. I had two friends who were willing to face the reality with me and prayed for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. I am still thankful to them to this day that God saved me from what I almost did to myself that night. After that I was pretty stable for a couple of years. Then my senior year of high school came and I was overwhelmed by everything that involved. So much of it was full of joy, but a lot of it was filled with the prospect of missing all these friends I had finally come to know, leaving the only atmosphere I had ever lived in, and facing the uncertainty of all the years yet to come. I made a lot of decisions during that year without allowing God to be a part of them. I lived out of fake authenticity and became very good at hiding the fact that I had any problems at all – except to my closest friends. To them, I made some of my problems bigger than reality in hopes that I would gain their attention. It was almost like my cry for help without really knowing that that was what I was doing. Many times during that year I thought of ending my life, just wishing everything I was feeling – frustration, confusion, helplessness – would go away forever and leave me be. That’s all I wanted – to just BE, whatever that meant.  I sought help in two teachers at my high school who I knew I could trust, and I finished my senior year and graduation with the appearance that I was in love with life and all that was laid out before me.

When I arrived in River Falls, WI, to begin my freshman year of college, I knew it was time to allow my true self to come forward, but I didn’t know how to do that. I made some friends and got connected in a Bible study right away, but I fell into my old patterns of keeping up appearance. I got worn out – really worn out – and by the end of the first semester I could feel things changing again. I was miserable my second semester, barely keeping my head above the water, but kept pushing on with no one suspecting a thing. Several times that semester I had contemplated ending my life, but I couldn’t bear to think of what it would do to the last few people I knew loved me. Summer came and went and I started my second year at UWRF even worse off than the last. I was low to the point that I wasn’t even sure I could handle school. I found myself being honest with another friend and telling her what I had been living through the previous year and where I was at now. For a while, things were good. I had friends close by, was enjoying my classes, and was actually feeling pretty good about things; but I started to notice this cycle of low weeks and my coping skills were just not there to handle them. By November, I was at rock bottom.  I remember that night so vividly it hurts. I was within seconds of taking an entire bottle of Tylenol when I just broke down. I was shaking, couldn’t breathe, panicking. I called a friend in North Dakota and she told me I had to find someone on campus to get to me right away. I texted a girl in my Bible study and she found me in my room hardly able to stand. That night was lower than I’ve ever been.

The next morning I went to the counseling center on campus and was referred off campus because of the severity of my case. I started outpatient treatment for severe depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation on December 1, 2011. I also had my mom come over that evening so I could share with her everything I had been feeling for the past six years. Within weeks I was making incredible progress, and I went on to do very well in school that semester. J-term break was definitely a challenge, but I kept people around me who knew what was going on to support me. We arrived back at school for the spring semester, and the transition into routine was really a challenge. The cycles of low weeks had continued and I found myself isolating much of the time – wanting to be alone, do nothing, sleep constantly – and one afternoon I ran away from campus and refused to answer calls when people came looking for me. Thankfully I hadn’t intended on harming myself, but nonetheless, I knew it was time for a wake-up-call. That night, I found myself being taken to the emergency room, stripped of any pride I had left, and weak enough to just let what happened happen. That’s all it took – I was shocked into knowing I wanted my life to change from that point forward because I couldn’t take being under the scrutiny of all that happened in the ER that night. So that is what led me to the outpatient counselor’s office for this decision.

Being in the ER that night made me realize I had been drawing on only my strength, still keeping secrets from the people I loved and those who loved me. By then I had told my dad, too, what was going on, and I had found a friend in one of the professional staff on campus who I knew was praying for me and there for encouragement any time I needed her. But I also knew that my strength alone was no match for this terrible, haunting depression that had become my normal; and I knew I wanted nothing more to do with it than to let it be a way for God to help others find His love, grace, hope and faithfulness.  That day when I was released from the hospital into the care of my roommates, I knew things had to change, and they have. In the last few months I have repeatedly asked God to help get me through the inevitable low days, I’ve learned the things I should be doing to cope with them when they come, and I have made progress that even I sometimes can’t believe is possible.

Thanks to God and a few close friends, my life is starting to make a difference. Every time I hear of another person lost to suicide because they don’t know how much their life means to the other people around them, I am struck by the sheer tenacity I have found in allowing others to see my pain. I pray that by sharing all of this someone somewhere would be saved from a life so miserable they feel it can only get better by ending it. I am thankful for every experience God has allowed me to have, simply for the reason that it gives Him another chance to make His love and faithfulness known. Yes, there are still days when life gets me down – but it’s not about those low moments. They are moments, not a definition of your entire life!

My last words to you are this: if you are finding yourself feeling the way I described in all of this, please don’t continue to face life alone. We were created to need each other and to need God. If you need someone you can trust to help you through this, know that I am making myself completely available, any time any place. But if it can’t be me, please seek out someone it can be. Don’t keep making things look ok when really you are barely holding up inside. Life is worth living, and you are worth more than life itself. If you’re reading this, know that there is at least one person, a college student in River Falls, WI, who loves you possibly without even knowing you, and that God knows you and loves you in a way that is unfathomable. Know that I am praying for you and here if you ever need it.

<3 Kelly



You Are Loved

Today was yet another example of the incredible community that surrounds the campus here at UW-River Falls. When it really counts, you know that the students here will come together and stand behind one another no matter what.

Here's an example of what was all over our campus today. The sidewalks have never been so beautiful and encouraging!

 

In light of some of the happenings on our campus and in the world in general, I am working on a very special blog post that I hope to have up later tonight. Remember to tell all those you love that you love them before they go to sleep tonight!

Closer Than You Think

We've all felt the distance between us and God before, and I'm sure at some point every one of us has mumbled the phrase "He feels so far away right now" or something to that extent. Have you ever thought about exactly what that means or how things came to be that way? Maybe you have and you never really did figure out what caused it.

First, you have to understand the message of God's grace - a promise of grace is made to us in the Word over and over again, and alongside grace comes a whole slew of other promises: peace, mercy, rest, redemption - it's all right here waiting for us. But most of us choose (whether we realize it or not) to ignore it and keep on living life the way everyone else does.

Second, when God says He'll never leave you or forsake you, He's not just saying nice things - this is a promise! He also makes it clear that there is absolutely nothing that can separate you from His love, which means that once you have found His love, you can never ever lose it. Between these two promises, there is no possible way to be distant from God unless you, yourself, are the problem. God doesn't distance Himself from us; we distance ourselves from Him.

Think about this: how many times have you had a little voice trying to get your attention, and you've known it was God, and you pushed it away for whatever reason? How about those times when you've had a thought from the enemy come in, and rather than answering to it with God's Word, you continue to feed it until it overwhelms your spirit? What if God was your very best earthly friend - if you continued to push them away, how long would it take for them to begin feeling distant from you? But you can't blame that on them - that is ALL YOU!

Most of us can bring up a specific time in our lives that we have felt that distance from God, perhaps like He left you stranded high and dry in the middle of the worst desert of your life. But if what we just determined about God never leaving us is true, then isn't it, instead, us leaving Him in the middle of the desert, saying we can do this on our own? How do we find our way back to letting Him lead us through the desert instead of wandering in the dust and sand by ourselves?

Take a look at Psalm 42. The writer of this Psalm is in exile, most likely removed from the land of Jordan (The Promised Land). There are four things that the Psalmist does to remind himself of God's nearness. Set aside some time to go through these steps yourself:

• Acknowledge the places you've been putting your hope rather than in God. In verses 5 and 11, the writer tells his soul to put its "hope in God" and acknowledges that his soul has been looking elsewhere for hope.
• Talk to God about it - tell Him your feelings, your failures, everything, and repent. In verses 1-4, the writer is expressing everything he is feeling, not holding back, knowing that all he is has already been made exposed to God. In verse 6 he says directly to God that he is feeling down and out.
• Take some time to list and remember all the ways God has worked in your life. Continuing in verse 6 through verse 8, the writer begins to list the different situations where God has come through for him, both in the closeness of their relationship (verse 4) and in the times where He allowed catastrophe (verse 7).
• Recommit your hope to Him and PRAISE Him! In verse 11, the writer gives again the command to his soul to put its hope in God. This command continues on in Psalm 43, a continuation of this prayer.

For further reading and study: Hebrews 3-4 (NIV) talks about the importance of staying near to God and the blessings of rest that come from our obedience in that. (See labels below for more references)

A Little Step of Faith

For any of you who have known me well, it may come as a shock to you that I actually attended a college party tonight (sans alcohol of course) and truly enjoyed the whole thing. For the rest of you wondering why that's such a big deal, I'm going to divulge you on a little unknown tidbit about me and how God has worked through that piece of me to bring me where I am today. Read on!

Most people get somewhat nervous at the thought of branching out and meeting new people - but few people feel the level of anxiety I usually get in that sort of a situation. It's called social anxiety, and it's considered a sort of disorder that comes along side a lot of other disorders. Well, all that anticipation and thinking about the situation never gives me a chance to settle down and clearly think through a coming event in a rational way. It, in fact, does the opposite, gets me more worked up. But tonight was different - for the first time that I can remember, I had the opportunity to go to a party with a lot of people (we're talking at least 30 people I had NEVER met before - usually 5 unknown people is pushing it for me) and I was looking forward to it! Trust me, I used to never look forward to large parties unless there was some way that I could be assured that I would always have one of my close friends right next to me the whole time.

Anyway, I took the chance of being the one to ask a friend if she was going, and even had the guts to ask if I could tag along (I really don't like being the awkward new girl in a group of established friends). It was totally ok! Our little car of people got to know each other on the ride and the rest just kind of happened. Turns out, I wasn't the only one who knew hardly anyone, and because I didn't know anyone, I didn't have to live up to the expectations of the people around me - I could just BE me. What a freeing feeling it is to just be yourself.

Let me add that this party was sponsored by one of the Christian groups on campus, but the atmosphere was different from really any Christian social event I had ever been to. Just by being near these people you can tell they are all genuinely living life for God and His purposes. There was nothing selfish, mean, rude, or inconsiderate about anyone. That's not an easy thing to find, my friends. God has taken what could have been a really rough transition into a new group of people and made it one of the most rewarding things I've ever taken a chance on. Not that He hasn't proven His faithfulness enough already, but He continues to do so every time I step out and trust Him a little with an area of my life that has always been a struggle.

This is just one of many of those problem areas, but I can tell you all, God is ready whenever you are to take that step and make your life reflect His glory, even in completely unexpected ways. This morning I was contemplating skipping this party because I thought my anxiety would get in the way and make things awkward. I even had a friend on backup for me to call or text if I needed her support through this. But I didn't even once think to call or text her or anyone else! It really is God working in me to get me through an event like this with just the people I'm surrounded by. I'm so thankful for what He's doing, and I can't begin to say how much I would have missed out on by not going to the party tonight.

Life throws us a lot of little obstacles, but I'm learning everyday to look at them as if they were opportunities for a better tomorrow, not roadblocks for today.

Contentment and Self-Punishment: I am my biggest enemy

How hard are you on yourself? Ever thought about it before? Are the things you count as failures really failures, or are they just something you've done (or failed to do) that you've blown out of proportion?

I tend to be VERY hard on myself - so much so that I have friends tell me I need to cut myself some slack. Sometimes I agree with them, but most of the time I just push myself harder, as if to prove to them I can take as much as I care to dole out to myself. But what happens when the pressure you put on yourself starts to turn into something more like self-punishment? At what point do we need to say enough is enough, give yourself a little grace, and take things in stride?

At church this morning the pastor talked about being content in who you are and not comparing yourself to other people; but for the majority of the message I was thinking not of the other people I compare myself to, but the standards to which I compare myself. I have (finally) started to establish a sense of self-worth when it comes to being me and not being jealous of someone else's life, experiences, etc. but I have been noticing, especially in the last few days, that instead, I look at all my failures and shortcomings based on my own standards and start beating myself up for it.

Here's an example: This week I started a riding class that I was SO looking forward to after a whole summer of training in dressage and basic jumping. I even had people who had taken the class before tell me how much they loved it and that I would love it, too. Not so once the class actually started. I had a terrible first ride and was told very clearly by the instructor that nothing the horse did during our ride was because of the horse's misbehavior. He had actually done everything I had told him too, whether I realized I was telling him to do it or not. Well, I left feeling pretty darn defeated because I've been riding for years and I do work really hard in my lessons and practice rides. Here's the thing: my instructor was not being mean - he was merely telling me to relax. I was the one telling myself that I had failed, and it was partially because of how the ride had looked to the other girls in the class. Not to mention that I was essentially told the same thing by my trainer when I went for my lesson on Dream yesterday. Rather than thinking back through everything that had happened and figuring out how it could have been done differently, I beat myself up for it. I told myself I had wasted all this time and money on a sport that I'll never learn, that no matter how many hours I spend in the saddle I'll never improve, and I even told my mom I was ready to give up riding for good (not that she bought that for a second, but she's supportive no matter what I choose to do).

It took a night of sleeping on it, getting away from the barn, and taking a broader look at the whole situation. Turns out that my riding wasn't the only thing I had been beating myself up for - and none of it was fair at all. I came to the conclusion that a lot of the "problems" I've been facing lately have been a simple matter of not giving myself enough grace - room to make mistakes. Instead I was literally punishing myself for things in an effort to regain control and keep myself in check because no one else is here to do it; but what I was doing was in no way fair, healthy, or justified.

What it comes down to is this: I am my own biggest enemy, but I am also my own biggest motivator. The difference is that the motivation has to be bigger than the punishment and appropriate to the situation. If I can't love myself, give myself a little grace, and let things go, how will I ever be able to do the same for another person that God places in my care?

So back to the questions I asked before. Do you judge yourself a little too harshly? Or do you allow yourself room to make mistakes? I'm not saying to throw all things to the wind and give up caring, but there is a difference between caring about your success and failures and caring about YOURSELF. And one more thing - instead of working for myself (or others), I should be working for God and His kingdom (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).